r/asheville • u/pipetih • Oct 13 '24
Living in bootyhole squalor. Ouch. Meme/Shitpost
We're a civilized household. You know, with bidets. Having to go back to such primitive ways as scraping our bum with 120grit is ruining my glorious Asheville experience. This is easily the worst thing to come out of the disaster.
Hope someone gets a chuckle. Stay safe, love y'all.
edit: fix a typo
edit again: Lol, y'all rock. We're waiting on our portables from the 'zon, and using wetwipes tossed in the trash in the meantime.
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u/mtg_island Oct 13 '24
Dude we got a bidet for the first time a week before the storm hit. I was in heaven for a week. I didn’t know what I was missing the whole time. Then the water went out and now it’s been weeks without butt blasting. One day I’ll recover. Until then I poop with great sadness
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u/SunnyAlwaysDaze Oct 14 '24
Y'all just need to get one of those Nerf super soakers, blast off after. Easier said than done, I know. It's hard to find good nerf stuff nowadays.
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u/mtg_island Oct 14 '24
Are you saying I blast myself or is this a partner type activity? Idk that my girlfriend would be down for that lol.
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u/No-Kaleidoscope6848 Oct 13 '24
Digging a poop hole in my back yard was a low point for sure.
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u/breathequilibrium Oct 13 '24
At least it's a shared experience we all have now, to draw us closer.
I just need someone to make the shirt, "I pooped in a hole during Hurricane Helene and all I got was a lousy t-shirt"
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u/pipetih Oct 13 '24
If that shirt isn't printed with brown smears, wtf even.
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u/chrislovessushi Oakley Oct 13 '24
We are all united by the poop hole, brother
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u/Ok_Association135 Oct 14 '24
But where is the knife?
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u/chrislovessushi Oakley Oct 14 '24
Poop knife is no longer necessary in this time of mud butt
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u/Ok_Association135 Oct 15 '24
Oh right, my bad. But for the sake of "normalcy"... ?😉 Just kidding. May your mud never dry and crack and may you have clean running water again soon!
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u/AnnamAvis Oct 13 '24
Pooping in a trash bag and trying to smuggle it out of the house without my fiancé seeing was it for me. I just want to be able to flush and properly wash my hands, damnit.
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u/therealelainebenes North Asheville Oct 13 '24
Pooping in a litter bucket was a low point here (part of me wishes I had the yardage and privacy to dig poop hole).
I just realized I'd feel like my dog going in the poop hole. I definitely feel like a cat pooping in my litter bucket.
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u/SirDefiant4968 Oct 13 '24
I been shitting in a Walmart bag for months
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u/shed1 Oct 13 '24
John Wayne Toilet Paper. It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take shit off nobody.
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u/BabyMystique Oct 14 '24
We got a roll of that for my grandpa in the 80's hahaha! He lived to sit and watch Westerns, and we saw that at a store( I was just a kid but I knew that was hilarious)
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u/bravedubeck Oct 13 '24 edited Oct 14 '24
my glorious Assville experience
FTFY
(Also hope someone gets a chuckle. Love y’all.)
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u/ashgnar NC Oct 13 '24
I (literally) feel your pain. Between that and getting waxed a few days before Helene and all that becoming ingrown hair city without proper exfoliation, I just want to throw away the bottom half of my body
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u/Spiritual-Adagio449 Oct 13 '24
I got mud butt over here in haywood after they told us the water was good and then enforced a boil order without knowing. My bungholio couldn’t take no more TP from cornholio.
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u/Eyruaad Oct 13 '24
We honeymooned in Japan where they have like the top of the line toilets. Coming home without one, I don't know how we live in this third world country.
I am sorry friend. Wet wipes are a nice compromise though, just don't flush em.
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u/NCUmbrellaFarmer NC Oct 13 '24
After the full experience wet wipes feels like being licked on the ass by a cold, wet tongue covered in shit.
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u/exbudguy Oct 13 '24
That's why you splurge for the wipe warmer!
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u/NCUmbrellaFarmer NC Oct 13 '24
She has other things to do tho.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 15 '24
LOLZ! When I told my friend to get a douchebag to facilitate post-poop cleaning, she said "I already have one of those and he barely looks at me anymore, so I doubt he's gonna want to clean my asshole."
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u/Auntie-Mam69 Oct 13 '24
Right? My whole family is used to bidets now. And travel bidets aren’t so attractive when you’re down to flushing w dirty dishwater!
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Oct 13 '24
Get one of those red warm water enema bags (that you can find at any pharmacy) and hang ‘er above the toilet. The gravity will give you some good pressure and you just spray the outside, instead of giving a whole ass enema.
Also, sorry for your loss.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 13 '24
or one of those Massengil (sp) douches with several holes in the squirty nozzle. (do they even sell those anymore?) Or just an old-school douchebag! (a literal douchebag, not a human douchebag. However, that does conjure up some rather amusing imagery! "Yo, douchebag! Get over here and clean my booty hole, pronto!" hahahahaaa!!!!)
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Oct 13 '24
Yo, douchebag! Get over here and clean my booty hole, pronto!
That sounds like a VM from the City of Asheville.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 15 '24
Your reply didn't compute until I saw this:
What in the actual fuck is this about?
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u/Healthy-Fold Oct 13 '24
Hey now soon they said water will be flowing with sediment which is like to think will act as a nice exfoliating substance when it shoots out of your bidet
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u/b_evil13 Transylvania County Oct 13 '24
Having an endless supply of Ingles bags to shit in would've been my time to shine.
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u/MJ12_2802 Oct 14 '24
In Haiti, known as the "flying toilet"
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u/b_evil13 Transylvania County Oct 14 '24
When roughing it, it's known as camp shitting. Nah JK I'm making that up. We didn't call it anything bc we were too busy laughing or hiding from shame. Nothing like feeling the weight of your own shit in your hand from a bag.
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u/BeneGezzeret Oct 13 '24
I saved the little squirt bottle that i used after i had my baby to hose off my stitches, now that is my travel bidet away from home. I got a add on toilet seat one during the great toilet paper shortage and haven’t looked back! I feel your pain.
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u/LazyBassBitch Candler Oct 13 '24
Let me introduce you to unscented baby wipes. You’re welcome.
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u/dreamscout Oct 13 '24
Those ‘flushable’ wipes. They aren’t really flushable and clog the pipes so throw in trash after.
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u/Wallmassage Oct 13 '24
You can throw them in the trash though
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u/dreamscout Oct 13 '24
Yes, that’s what I said. I’ve seen plumbers clear out sewer lines and they pull out gobs of those wipes.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 13 '24
Yup! The second best thing to bidets are the extra-large wipes from Walmart (Assure is the brand, I think). They're big and juicy, and they get the job done! Plus, they're cheap and you get a lot of bang for your buck!) Just have some plastic grocery bags or a roll of those cheapo waste bags (like dog poo bags) nearby for disposal purposes.
I'm a former AVL resident currently surviving on the Southwest coast of the Godforsaken Peninsula of Doom, formerly known as Florida, and I've lived here on and off for 30+ years, so I know my shit when it comes to post-disaster survival. Pun intended. It's amazing how resourceful people can be in times like this! Necessity is indeed the mother of invention, that's for sure!
Seriously though... to those of you who are going through this for the first time: Speaking from experience, there's no better character builder than surviving a catastrophic event. It can change your life for the better if you allow it. It changes the way you see the world. Not only do you become hella resourceful, but you also become more appreciative of EVERYTHING (Bidets, for instance), you tend to develop more compassion and empathy for your fellow man, you become more aware of your surroundings, and the list goes on. You may have a touch of PTSD (some more than others, obvi) but there's therapy (and edibles) for that.
The best thing is that when it's all said and done, you will look back on this time and marvel at what a total badass you were through it all!
Sending big love to y'all. Asheville is a community like no other. You got this!
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u/BabyMystique Oct 14 '24
I survived Andrew in Miami in the 90's as a teen. It was so pretty crazy for sure, that was my worst one.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 14 '24
Yeah. Andrew was a rough one, especially for those on the East Coast (I seem to remember that the whole town of Moorehaven was leveled).
I lived in Naples, but it just so happened that a bunch of us had gone to Orlando that weekend for Lollapalooza '92. So while Naples was getting hammered by Andrew, we were going nuts with Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Rage Against the Machine, and the Chili Peppers, to name a few. It was truly an epic weekend.
But I digress...when it was time to leave, we couldn't because they had closed I-75 to all southbound traffic, so we were stuck in Orlando for a few days, which was fine with me because Naples was without power for a week!
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u/Ok_Association135 Oct 15 '24
Walmart Rosewater Facial Cleansing Wipes. Safe for your face, booty, fronty, as well as hands, feet, etc. (NOT all with the same wipe please!) Bonus, your ass, crotch, pits and garbage can will all smell like roses
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u/Living_Zucchini_1457 Oct 13 '24
Waterpic.
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u/Lulubelle2021 Oct 13 '24
I could not live without my bidet. I've been using them for 25 years. Get a 20 ounce soda bottle and find a squirt top on Amazon. Done. Your camping bidet.
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u/canoe_sink Oct 14 '24
The storm hit when I was not quite 3 weeks postpartum. The downsides are multitudinous, but the upside is that I was already well stocked with peri-bottles (the poor woman's bidet).
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u/beenuttree Oct 14 '24
I have a 10 month old and imagining being postpartum in this situation just made me want to scream. I feel for you and every new parent trying to navigate this. FUCK
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u/gonnafaceit2022 Oct 13 '24
My mom used the bathroom at my house during this mess and scolded me for using "really thick, plush" tp. It'll clog my pipes, she said.
I mean, it's quilted northern. I think that's kind of middle of the road? She uses Scott. 😵💫
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u/Affectionate-Link530 Oct 13 '24
lol I just bought a house and heard Scott tissue was better for the pipes so I bought a pack. I thought my daughter was going to have a stroke complaining about how awful the tp was!
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u/BabyMystique Oct 14 '24
started using the thin Scott ( or off brand) and once I got used to it, never could I go back to plush tp. The rough thin stuff is better! We also have bidets now so I will say using scott after the bidet gets all messed up and falls apart when wet, but I learned how to get it done. Way less tp with the bidet for sure, and no clogs for super old house pipes with Scott or similar.
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u/Heavenly_Spike_Man Oct 13 '24
Get yourself a stray dog, and put beef broth in a mist sprayer.
You can figure out the rest. Good luck!
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 14 '24
Dude! That's just wrong on so many levels! Peanut butter works much better!
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u/fetusy Oct 14 '24 edited Oct 14 '24
Step 1: wet grass
Step 2: drop trou
Step 3: assume the position
Step 4: scoot like you have worms
Step 5: scar neighbors mentally and possibly emotionally
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u/pipetih Oct 14 '24
Finally, some advice from a professional!
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u/fetusy Oct 14 '24
I, a semi-reformed grunt, also offer instructional seminars on how to poop outdoors comfortably using nothing more than an e-tool. I haven't printed up any literature yet but I could shoot you selfies of the process if you're interested.
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u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 13 '24
my mom didn't have electricity until she was 11 and didn't have indoor plumbing until she was 17 and moved out on her own.
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u/pipetih Oct 13 '24
My dad grew up the same way. Working subsistence farm, lots of kids.
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u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 13 '24
dad wasn't rich but he definitely grew up with more. large farm and house with running water and indoor plumbing.
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u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 13 '24
mom lived in the woods in a 2 room shack, poor af. when they got electricity they moved to a home with 4 rooms, in the same area, but with an outhouse. an outhouse that I had to use a few times when visiting while my grandfather was still alive in the 80s. they didn't even have an outhouse at the 2 room shack because they used the woods.
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u/pipetih Oct 13 '24
Such a different way of life. My paternal grandparents got electricity run to their house thanks to the New Deal, and never did have running water. I still remember helping draw water from the well out the kitchen door as a kid.
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u/The_RealAnim8me2 East Asheville Oct 13 '24
Right... I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down the mill, and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home... our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing “Hallelujah.”
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u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 13 '24
don't know what you're trying to say but it's not funny nor helping. maybe you or your family never struggled and you're making fun of people who actually did but either way some people did and making light of it is pretty sad.
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u/The_RealAnim8me2 East Asheville Oct 13 '24
It’s a Monty Python routine, and I’m not making fun of anyone. I’m making light of how we commiserate by comparing our pasts and “how hard we had it”.
I get things are tough for us but you have to try to hang on to a sense of humor.
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u/pipetih Oct 13 '24
I can definitely see someone not knowing this one though, haha.
@TomToe420 here's the routine they're quoting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue7wM0QC5LE
Difference is in the sketch, they're doing it out of one-upsmanship, and it's pretty hilarious.
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u/The_RealAnim8me2 East Asheville Oct 13 '24
I just assume most people know Python… especially on Reddit.
I really don’t think I was posting something that would offend… especially on a post with “bootyhole squalor” in the title .
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 13 '24 edited Oct 13 '24
I got it! And I agree. A sense of humor is EVERYTHING in times such as these. Have a good cry, break some shit, and get it all out. But if you're gonna come out of this in one piece, you gotta lighten up! (If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing!)2
u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 14 '24
in context it's funny. maybe add it's from a Monty python routine. idk. no worries and sorry if I overreacted
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u/No-BanannA Oct 15 '24
I just about peed my pantaloons reading this! Such a great sketch! Stay strong Asheville!!!
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u/TomToe420 Burnsville 🔥 Oct 13 '24
right and no running water in the 1st place but they had creek water in the 2nd. definitely a long ways from a bidet, that's for sure.
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u/nuunso Oct 13 '24
604 Haywood Bottle shop in west Asheville has 3D printed bidet bottle attachments for free, along with bottle shower attachments.
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u/Ok_Association135 Oct 15 '24
Wow. This needs to be amplified. That's some real 21st century community service right there! 3-d printed bidet and shower attachments for bottles. Humanity may actually make it.
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u/saltysnail420 Oct 13 '24
I use wet wipes
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u/Diggity20 Oct 13 '24
Why add septic drainage problems to the list
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u/honeymouth Oct 13 '24
Well, they didn’t say they were flushing them. I wipe with paper that goes in the bowl and clean with a wipe that goes in a can. That way it doesn’t stink up the place or clog the plumbing pipes.
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u/Academic_Award_7775 Oct 13 '24
I’ve been doing all paper/wipes into the can and removing bathroom trash more frequently. I wanted to increase the chances that a force flush would get everything down and not stress the already broken system. Plus, we found out just how much water our toilet tank takes to do a single flush and it feels like so much.
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u/UseLesssLuke Oct 13 '24
I never thought I would have arguments about who used all the flushes, but here we are
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u/TelevisionTimely3918 Oct 13 '24
I’m assuming the water that’s only for flushing isn’t bootyhole approved
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Oct 13 '24
This is me!!!!! I’ve been telling my mom about going back to such squalor has been rough where it counts most😖
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u/dude_himself Oct 13 '24
ACM Economy Wash Bottle, LDPE,... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WTHLR18
Best travel experience you can get.
1
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2
u/dgcamero Oct 13 '24
It's time to snag a big roll of Charmin ultra soft. And hopefully y'all got some of the older ones without the stupid ripple cuts. It was the best toilet paper. The same thing with ripples is a downgrade to second place.
Still the best you're gonna get!
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u/pobopny Oct 13 '24
Having to live sans bidet is truly the worst thing that Helene could have done to me.
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u/pipetih Oct 14 '24
It's the hardest thing to explain to people that aren't living through it. Definitely going to take longer to process than the whole "why am I alive and not those people" part, pssh.
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u/Redheadbabygirl86 Oct 14 '24
In the new mom section of stores (CVS, Walgreens, maybe Walmart, etc) you can find travel bidet bottles! I've had one for 3yrs and I love it. It goes on all vacations with me
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u/Realistic_Ear_9378 Oct 14 '24
Go to the gardening section of lowes or home depot and buy a squeeze water bottle for succulents. Take the straw out if the inside so that it works when upside down and you've got the best travel bidet possible for $4.
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u/Emblahblahaf Oct 15 '24
Aaaannnnddddd now I need to buy a bidet. I don’t even know if I’m getting paid on our next payday or not, but I want a bidet.
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 16 '24
Start a gofundme! Come up with a witty title like "In the wake of Helene, help us keep our butts clean!", and I'm pretty sure that you will raise enough money for several bidets!
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u/DoorwayTwo Oct 13 '24
I've got some fine grit anal scaper paper imported from France. TONS of it. No one in France wiprs their asses so I got it on discount.
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u/Beardie15 Oct 13 '24
I donated about 100 packs of wet wipes. Hopefully some of them make it your way!
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u/Story_Haunting Oct 14 '24
Being an uncultured cretin, I have a question about bidets...
Isn't the initial flow of water cold? If so, it doesn't sound very pleasant. Is the water heated at all? Do you have to squirm out of the way on one cheek, and wait for the water to get warm?
Glad to hear you're making it lol.
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u/pipetih Oct 14 '24
There are different types. Ours are just cheap bidet seats. They tap into the cold water line that feeds the tank. So yes it's "cold" but we've never found it to be unpleasant enough that it outweighs the benefits. It's kind of shocking the first few times you use it but after getting used to it I hardly even notice.
But there are versions that have built in tankless water heaters for on demand warmth. It really just depends on what you want, how much you want to spend, etc.
edit: also you don't want to be out of the way when you hit the go knob, or you'll spray down your bathroom :D
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 14 '24
"edit: also you don't want to be out of the way when you hit the go knob, or you'll spray down your bathroom :D"
Been there! Done that! haha!
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u/Ok_Association135 Oct 15 '24
: also you don't want to be out of the way when you hit the go knob, or you'll spray down your bathroom :D
Can confirm. Also your face if you happen to be up close, cleaning.
Re cold: the ones w tankless water heaters and the mon-electric type that connects to the hot water from your sink or shower: yes, there's a mom6of cold at the beginning. Learn to position yourself so the toilet is covered, but the cold splash lands outside the danger zone, till it warms up
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u/Wingo-Lamo Here in Spirit : Oct 14 '24
This has got to be the most entertaining thread on Reddit at the moment!
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u/Efficient_Profit_211 Oct 14 '24
The #IdigPoopHoles keep in mind well sights . … uhhh for the next two years .
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u/coriolisagency Oct 13 '24
This is Asheville. Mostly self-righteous, elitist snobs. Thanks for sharing.
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u/No-Imagination-6588 Oct 13 '24
Google “travel bidet”. You’re welcome.