r/Jokes • u/inspire_me_please • Oct 24 '20
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
So in essence, Jesus is...never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
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u/dreamrock Oct 24 '20
Rick Christley.
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u/shahooster Oct 24 '20
Who knew Our Savior would be a ginger??
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u/DestinedEinherjar Oct 24 '20
He has no soul, so that's why he's trying to save ours! To keep them for himself!!! JesusPartyIsOver
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u/sharkbite123 Oct 24 '20
You literally just stole this, and reworded it slightly
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u/YouNeedAnne Oct 24 '20
He did desert everyone for 40 days though.
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u/baloonatic Oct 24 '20
i think that was jesus himself, but moses and his people were in the desert for 40 years apparently
“After the Ten Plagues, Moses led the Exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, after which they based themselves at Mount Sinai, where Moses received the Ten Commandments. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, Moses died within sight of the Promised Land on Mount Nebo.”
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u/morningsdaughter Oct 24 '20
You missed the part in the middle where they sinned multiple times and God kept forgiving them (including making an idol whole Moses was retrieving the 10 commandments (and other laws) from God on Sinai.) Then they reached the Promised Land but refused to go in because they were scared of the inhabitants and refused to trust God. Then they wandered around for 40 years before entering.
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u/westo4 Oct 24 '20
This thread is great. Now I don't have to read the Bible, because I've gotten a useful summary. (This is all of it, right?)
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u/whatiidwbwy Oct 24 '20
There' the Pentateuch, first 5 books, which contains stories about creation, the flood, Abraham, and the time before Israel entered the Promised Land.
Then there are the 12 historical books, which documents Israel and the conquest of the Promised Land, the continuous cycle of disobedience to God, the first Kings, Assyrian invasion, Babylonian invasion, the years in exile, and the return from exile.
Then there are my personal favorite from the Old Testament, the 5 books of Poetry and Wisdom. I'd recommend this video series if you want to get more into it: https://youtu.be/Gab04dPs_uA
Then there are the Major Prophets and the Minor Prophets, which I admittedly have not read yet.
For the New Testament there are the Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They record the good news of God's plan for a savior through the life, ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Acts opens with the out-flowing of the Holy Spirit and describes the missionary efforts of the early followers of Christ as they spread the message of the Gospel to Judea and Samaria.
Then we have Paul's letters. The apostle Paul wrote 13 letters to young churches in order to encourage, guide, and correct them.
Then there are 8 general Epistles which were addressed to early Christians to provide guidance, encouragement through persecution, and warnings of false teachings.
Finally, the book of Revelations addresses several churches in what is now Turkey and encourages believers who are experiencing prosecution by illustrating how God is in control and Christ will one day return.
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u/slaptito Oct 24 '20
nope, the bible has 39 books in the old testament, and 27 in the new testament
basically, the bible is huge
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u/Arctus9819 Oct 24 '20
basically, the bible is huge
In fact, you can say it is truly biblical.
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u/garmdian Oct 24 '20
Nope but basically all you have to know:
Old testament: People are flawed and sometime real dicks don't be a bad person by not being these people.
New testament: People are flawed and sometimes dicks but Jesus isn't be like Jesus.
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u/mike_pants Oct 24 '20
Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days after being baptized. After resisting the Devil's temptations, he returned and started his ministry.
You could say, I suppose, that he wasn't really deserting anyone at that point because he didn't have any followers yet.
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u/Eggplantosaur Oct 24 '20
Apparently there are a couple super interesting teenage Jesus stories that have been omitted from the Bible. Do you happen to know anything about those? I forgot about them myself sadly
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u/adamwhitemusic Oct 24 '20
Like that one time that Jesus went to a party in high school, tried mushrooms, and totally thought he was the son of God.
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u/sibips Oct 24 '20
Actually, He and his buddies crashed a wedding and drank all their wine. It was wild. The groom was pissed off, and Jesus had to perform a miracle and change some water into wine, to make up for that.
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u/CapnZack53 Oct 24 '20
In some parts of the world, it's spelled "dessert" and He blessed everyone with sundaes. On a Sunday...
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u/saltesc Oct 24 '20 edited Oct 24 '20
His homie Satan was there tempting him with ice cream. Desert in the desert with dessert.
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u/Kent_Knifen Oct 24 '20
Why does Jesus suck at videogames?
Because it takes him 3 days to respawn.
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u/SaltyBaguettes Oct 24 '20
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u/Merlin_Drake Oct 24 '20
Not really unexpected.
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u/ocular__patdown Oct 24 '20
Yep, could see it from a mile away
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u/ChrisRunsTheWorld Oct 24 '20
Yeah I feel like it would be better to set it up differently somehow. Can't think of a good way either though.
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u/Lunndonbridge Oct 24 '20
Man, why can’t people just enjoy a silly joke. No one’s gunna change anyones’ minds about what they believe whether or not YOU think its ridiculous or think it is the guide to life. Be nice to each-other.
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u/mordinvan Oct 24 '20
Did anyone not seeing this coming from the passages chosen? Its a good joke and I haven't heard it before, but it was kinda obvious.
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u/RufusLoudermilk Oct 24 '20
Psalms (plural) is an Old Testament book that doesn’t mention Jesus once. Also, Hebrews 13:5 refers to what God won’t do, not what Jesus won’t do.
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u/funkadunk8 Oct 24 '20 edited Oct 24 '20
God Jesus and the Holy Spirit are three sides of the same sandwich
Edit: y’all I’m atheist and this was referencing the three sided sandwich that was popular a few days ago
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Oct 24 '20
But there are 4 sides to a sandwich...
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u/Wittmeister Oct 24 '20
Old Testament doesn’t have to mention Jesus’s name but he’s been foretold countless times. You should really know this.
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u/therandomways2002 Oct 24 '20
Your priest told you this one, didn't he? This is such a classic Father joke.
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u/CptVimes Oct 24 '20
Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true
Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil
Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world
So there was only one thing that I could do
Was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long
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u/AWickedEwok Oct 24 '20
I'm now scared of being Jesus-rolled. (Knowing that it will eventually be shortened to J-rolled, then just the name Gerald. Anything with Gerald in the title or comments will be avoided immediately. )
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u/thewholerobot Oct 24 '20
Thought this was a bit too clever--checked repost repository and indeed It's a repost
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u/OgnokTheRager Oct 24 '20 edited Oct 24 '20
Does this mean that Rick Astley is Pop Jesus??
Edit: spelling. Because duck autocorrect
DAMMIT
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u/DevaPath_Winchester Oct 24 '20
Damn next thing you know, Jesus is gonna tell you to kill the 23rd president of the United States
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u/Seanwins Oct 24 '20
I guarantee that this is gonna be part of a bunch of super-hip youth pastors sermons tomorrow.
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u/Ok-Mammoth-794 Oct 24 '20
If I would have read all this tomorrow instead of today I could have counted it as virtual church...
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u/Serraph105 Oct 24 '20
He sounds like a good boyfriend honestly, except that he's trying to be everyone's boyfriend at the same time.
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Oct 24 '20
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u/MasterFubar Oct 24 '20
I expected the Spanish Inquisition, but I never expected to be rickrolled by Jesus Christ.
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u/christianunionist Oct 25 '20
I feel proud that, having read the title, I thought, "I think r/christianity is about to rickroll me". Was not disappointed.
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u/BellaxPalus Oct 25 '20
Wait... So we already had the second coming? 2020 suddenly makes a whole lot more sense.
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u/BoringlyFunny Oct 24 '20
The bible was just a very convoluted rickroll
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u/Snoo_57488 Oct 24 '20
The parts about endorsing slavery are the best parts though
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u/BoringlyFunny Oct 24 '20
Well, if you want your book to rickroll someone 2000 years later, you need to pander to the people living today
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u/Daohor Oct 24 '20
I can’t believe It I’ve been cheated, backstopped and quite possible bamboozled!
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u/muerte626 Oct 24 '20 edited Oct 24 '20
Jesus been Rick rolling from the beginning
Edit: thank you for all the love!!!