r/Jokes • u/inspire_me_please • Oct 24 '20

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

34.9k Upvotes

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436

u/livebeta Oct 24 '20

before Elvis was king, He was!

1.5k

u/RutCry Oct 24 '20

It goes deeper than you think:

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

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u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20 edited Nov 04 '20

[deleted]

161

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20

That's the one that made me believe...

31

u/markie204 Oct 24 '20

That was the one that made me look at the time difference between the posts. I was thinking this was an obscure list of comparisons they once came along that they did a quick search/copy/paste. The posts are 2 hours apart! This bastard composed a very unique and extensive(of not at times stretched) list of similarities.

27

u/finewhitelady Oct 24 '20

Your sides...burn?

8

u/Tychus_Balrog Oct 24 '20

On the side of my face.

As my head turns, you can see they're in the same place on either side...

...burns

0

u/Rslashpinkpup Oct 25 '20

That got you? Be me, reading through it with a dramatic film theory voice and completely siding it, then you read this and remember how dramatically you read such a dumb statement lol

1

u/Encinitas0667 Oct 25 '20

Coincidence? I think not !

100

u/The_Sea_Peoples Oct 24 '20

If priscilla really went to immaculate conception high school, then I'm sold.

84

u/AlGeee Oct 24 '20

Part of the agreement was that she would attend an all-girls Catholic school, the Immaculate Conception High School in Memphis, Tennessee…

8

u/thejohnnymemphis Oct 25 '20

Can confirm this school exists. I lost my v card to an immaculate conception girl.

4

u/crazybutthole Oct 27 '20

Can confirm this happened.

My sister lost her v card to some asshole named johnny memphis while attending immaculate conception high school.

4

u/The_Sea_Peoples Oct 25 '20

Well glory be!!!

5

u/Fearchar Oct 25 '20

Yes, and she graduated in the class of '63.

31

u/RearEchelon Oct 24 '20

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.

I thought it was Harold. You know,

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name...

2

u/ConchaBullosa Oct 25 '20

Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best

50

u/Conflicted-King Oct 24 '20

Are you a prophet?

60

u/almondmilk Oct 24 '20

No, but he makes music for profit

1

u/dotslashpunk Oct 25 '20

that’s a good addition to the above

1

u/dcoolidge Oct 24 '20

Elvis has a way with distributing prophets...

19

u/2wh33lz Oct 24 '20

Take your 420 upvote for my ear to ear smile. Maybe the only one of 2020.

18

u/tango421 Oct 24 '20

I’m glad I scrolled down and saw this.

55

u/pussyeater0069 Oct 24 '20

“I dunno man, Jesus Hitler Christ sounds weird” “So just go with H?” “Yeah”

3

u/avascrzyfknmom Oct 24 '20

Fuck ! Which cartoon reference is that ?

2

u/pussyeater0069 Oct 24 '20

Family guy. Of course.

3

u/avascrzyfknmom Oct 24 '20

I could remember if it was family guy or American dad.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 25 '20

From Djesus Uncrossed:

"Djesus H Crist!"

"The H is silent!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqISX2o0a4A

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u/smoothape Oct 24 '20

One of the best things I have ever read.

20

u/joelingo111 Oct 24 '20

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

I thought it was pretty well known that he was actually born around Easter time

19

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20

shush you, with your accurate facts and your logic

we’re trying to buy some gold-trimmed plates here!

7

u/zeke235 Oct 24 '20

Well since walking around in the desert in the middle of winter was a pretty lethal prospect back then, yeah makes sense

9

u/YibbleGuy Oct 24 '20

Jesus was visited by three Wise Men, who worshiped him (Matthew 2:1-2). Elvis was visited by Wise Men, who advised him (Can't Help Falling in Love, 1:1).

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u/blinkgendary182 Oct 24 '20

Ok if this wont be included in Reddit's HOF I'm deleting the app

2

u/DeadPoster Oct 24 '20

"Will Elvis take the place of Jesus in a thousand years?" --Dead Kennedys

2

u/KnockMeYourLobes Oct 25 '20

I'm tempted to copy and paste this onto my FB timeline, but I don't want to upset my mother, who loves Jesus AND Elvis with equal fervor.

1

u/RutCry Oct 25 '20

Exalting Elvis in a humorous way is not disrespectful to Jesus, as long as you remember which is which.

Jesus is the Son of God. Elvis was the son of Vernon.

Adding to the list:

Jesus was born poor in a remote backwater. Elvis was born in Mississippi.

2

u/tetragrammaton19 Oct 25 '20

I'm going to have to save this info. Know someone who would get a kick out of this, the grandma that she is.

0

u/Gaeleng Oct 24 '20

What I heard you say is Jesus died on the toilette after choking on a peanut butter and banana sandwich?

0

u/Guy_Incognito1970 Oct 24 '20

One was black and the other appropriated black music culture

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u/your__dad_ Oct 24 '20

The devil likes to copy God. Anyway many of these you are stretching.

0

u/practicaluser Oct 24 '20

Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil. Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet. All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world.

So there was only one thing that I could do.Was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long.....

1

u/eweboy Oct 24 '20

I cannot can

1

u/practicaluser Oct 24 '20

The universe, known to contain high levels of apophenia in its human population, is supremely elegant.

1

u/Hamil_Simp4450 Oct 24 '20

Oh my fucking g o d

1

u/RothXQuasar Oct 24 '20

Thanks, I'm working on a conspiracy theory about all the different people who were actually the same person throughout history (including Jesus), so now I can add Elvis to the list.

1

u/TovanZero Oct 24 '20

The “H.” in Jesus H. Christ stands for Harold. You know...”Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name...”

1

u/redpanda2910 Oct 24 '20

Jesus wasn’t born in December historically his birthday was closer to the spring

1

u/IamEx3cuti0n3r Oct 24 '20 edited Oct 24 '20

Jesus wasn't born on 25th December though. Historians guess early-mid summer.

Edit; and yes, this was my only issue with that comment.

1

u/DecoherentDoc Oct 24 '20

So, if Elvis was Jesus, does that mean we're living post rapture?

1

u/He_Art-st Oct 25 '20

Jessie was not born 5 December. Christmas stems from a pagan festival practiced in the winter solstice. When Christianity was in it's infancy they adopted the same timing so that they may celebrate without persecution.

1

u/dotslashpunk Oct 25 '20

i have to know did you make this up? It must have taken forever.

1

u/Immortal_Knight Oct 25 '20

Memphis mafia eh? Heck of a name. gonna look them up now.

1

u/__Catpain_Obvious__ Oct 25 '20

Jesus built my hot rod. Elvis crashed my hot rod.

1

u/breakskater Oct 25 '20

Somebody idolizes Elvis

1

u/Sarpiolgre Oct 25 '20

The ‘H’ stands for Hallmark. Because He cared enough to send the very best.

1

u/HgVexing Oct 25 '20

Coincidence? I think not Hotel Trivago

1

u/zalinuxguy Oct 25 '20

Well shit, I'm convinced now.

1

u/LadyWillaKoi Oct 25 '20

Jesus wasn't a Capricorn. He wasn't even born in winter.

11

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20

jesus was elvis,before elvis was even elvis!!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20

So... Elvis was Jesus! Q. E. D.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '20

Amen

1

u/Mavgrim Oct 24 '20

Right there in the pantheon of kings. Jesus, Elvis, Don and Kong.