A chain of Dominoes is never started

"My wife."

This was just dumb that I was chuckling to myself for coming up with it

Because Burger King forgot to put a wrapper on his Whopper.

The bartender says, "wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop!" goes the weasel.

Later on, a similar looking animal walks in. The bartender gasps. "I can't believe it! Another weasel! What can I get you?"

The creature sighs, then says, "I'll have a Guinness. And by the way, I'm not a weasel. I'm an Irish Stoat."

Had to turn him down, the steaks were too high.

the world would be a butter place.

“Excuse me, who owns the Doberman outside?” he asks.

A massive biker stands up and replies, “I do… WHY?”

“I’m afraid my dog has killed it!”

“What kind of dog do you have?” the biker asks, surprised.

“A four-month-old poodle.”

“How could my Doberman be killed by a poodle puppy?”

“It choked on it.”

Out in the eastern panhandle of Texas an oil rig has an out of control fire that could be seen from 100 miles away.

Red Adair sends their best, but they can’t get within a quarter mile of the fire because of the heat.

After a bit onlookers watch as over the hill, comes this little volunteer fire department truck from the town of Higgins, Texas

They watch in amazement as it pulls up next to the fire and begin putting water to the flames and eventually getting it under control, despite the heat being so high that it was literally melting the tires on the truck.

The president of the oil company was so impressed that he wrote a check for $500,000 for the volunteer fire department.

The Amarillo news stations were there and asked the chief of the volunteer fire department what in the world a little department was going to do with $500,000. The old chief thought for a moment and said… well I don’t know what we’re gonna do with all of it but the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!

When I went to the doctor about it, he took one look, and said, "hmm, something here is afoot."

That way I can keep my promise to visit her grave every week

I rang him today and he said he'd pay me back the next time he saw me.

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s. Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.

"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.

"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.

"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says

"We didn't see anything, you liar"

"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump"

A Jew, an African American and a Racist.

The African American bends down to tie his shoe and notices a lamp under the bench.

He picks up the lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says "l've been imprisoned for 2000 years, for my gratitude you each get a single wish".

The Jew says "I wish for my people to return to the promise land and live in the riches and harmony of the land like God intended" "poof" wish granted and he disappears.

The African Americans turn and he says "My people were taken from their homes and brought to this distant land, wish for all my African brothers and sisters to return to Africa and bask in the glory of our homeland, to live in love and peace for all eternity" "poof" wish granted and he also disappears.

The Racists turn, he looks at the genie and says "let me get this straight, all the Jews are in lsrael?" yes" the genie says "and all the blacks are all in Africa, you say?" "correct" states the genie... "GREAT, then I'll just have a diet coke".

She replied ‘Offensive’

‘Oh sorry’ I said ‘Excuse me, could I please trouble you for another word for military attack?’

He was charged with battery.

"Because good employees are hard to find!"

I think I can make anyone Luke Littler

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A dinocologist