r/dadjokes • u/saveme777 • 1d ago

I got a vasectomy, but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

6.0k Upvotes

88% Upvoted

2.1k

u/El_Pozzinator 1d ago

75 year old millionaire goes to the doc and says “I just got remarried. New wife is 25 and pregnant! Whatcha think of that, doc?”

Doc thinks a moment and responds “We take a walk out by that fence, I lift up this here cane, point it at a crow and say ‘bang’, and the crow dies. What do you think happened?”

Old man, confused, says “well, doc, I think somebody else shot that crow…”

“My point exactly, old man.”

832

u/triple3d 1d ago

There's a similar version of this, but he's pretending to shoot a beaver with a shot gun. THEN, you can say "i think somebody else pumped a load in that beaver."

273

u/Mitchmac21 1d ago

Must be the Canadian version

92

u/SimonNicols 1d ago

For sure, eh, bud !

43

u/ReadontheCrapper 1d ago

Dontcha know it…

23

u/BlackysBoss 1d ago

I'm not your buddy, guy!

21

u/Ledinax 1d ago

I'm not your guy, pal!

8

u/iseedeadpeople1973 1d ago

I'm not your Pal, Friend.

12

u/Tod-dem-Toast 1d ago

I don't play Pal World, Pokémon !

8

u/JangB 1d ago

I don't play poker, man.

11

u/Much-Tangerine4488 1d ago

I'll poker and I'm not kidding. Vasectomies are great.

2

u/FIREoManiac 12h ago

I got a vasectomy so I could keep playing poke 'er.

7

u/illLogicalWeakness 1d ago

As a Canadian, I approve this message

3

u/Xibby 23h ago

Keep your stick on the ice.

1

u/Mitogi 21h ago

Don't ypubworry, if the it's up to the greatest man that has ever lived, believe me he is really great, that will soon be the American version.

31

u/NascentEcho 1d ago

Wow that is much better. I've heard the wrong version of this joke about 400 times.

1

u/C4ingu 6h ago

This is pure gold! How come I've never heard it before?

68

u/Conscious_Raisin_436 1d ago

It’s funny but also, men don’t lose their fertility when they get old. 75 year old men can and do conceive children.

This is not advised, by the way. The chances of genetic defects goes way up when you’re that old. Your gene juice isn’t as reliable anymore.

43

u/Formal-Efficiency493 1d ago

It's also not advised because the chances of the father attending kindergarten graduation are quite low, let alone everything after that.

4

u/MaidPoorly 1d ago

Robert DeNiro fathered a child at 79 recently.

18

u/BrynnXAus 22h ago

The child was 79? That's unbelievable!

0

u/TJ-1717 8h ago

I can’t believe that idiot hasn’t been neutered so he can’t produce any more stupid offspring

5

u/El_Pozzinator 20h ago

The funniest thing is the first time I heard this was from my father in law like a week after the founder of 84 Lumber got married to his 20something secretary. Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga…

5

u/__hyphen 1d ago

How much really does it go up by? I suspect negligible value. Robert Murdoch and Al Pacino both fathered children in their 80s and they appear healthy

18

u/madkins007 1d ago

I remember someone pointing out the commonly used statistic that the odds of birth defects doubles after a woman turns 30.

Turns out that the under 1% chance doubles to under 2%.

3

u/Conscious_Raisin_436 1d ago

Sure but that’s anecdotal. Naming a couple of celebrity examples is fine, but the stats are that if a male conceives at old age, even if his partner is young, the chances of genetic issues goes way up.

9

u/mikadillo 1d ago

Here are some statistics based on 40,000 births. Prematurity went from 12% in <25 yo fathers to 16% in >55 yo fathers. Low birth weight went from 8.2% to 11.7% and low Apgars went from 4.1% to 4.4%. Really not that big a deal.

8

u/SpicierWinner 1d ago

This got pretty serious for dadjokes banter.

1

u/Livid-Proof-522 21h ago

Lmao we are warped.

3

u/MDdadbod 1d ago

Thanks for bringing in the stats.

3

u/MemeInBlack 1d ago

It goes up but it's still low. Being an old father is tough for a lot of reasons, but this one is kind of overblown.

-6

u/sonofhippie 1d ago

56 yr here, Al Pacino appears healthy?

4

u/Rarekindacoolguy 1d ago

I thinks he's talking about the children

2

u/emtee_skull 1d ago

A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have. The older she is, the egg that's available , has aged as well. Also, any exposure to radiation, including medical imaging, could damage the egg.

Sperm is continuously being produced. Every second, about 1500 sperm are produced.

When it comes to birth defects, older women having children is more likely because of the older egg.

0

u/Much-Tangerine4488 1d ago

I'll be happy to get juice in my jeans at 75.

1

u/Suvtropics 23h ago

My friend in college used to say that joke to any guy he met. I've heard it like a hundred times lol

470

u/Bradb717 1d ago

Sexually did she notice a vas deferens ?

70

u/cocaineandmayonaise 1d ago

I wish to be euthanized now

23

u/Odin1806 1d ago

This joke is eunuch...

11

u/cocaineandmayonaise 1d ago

Testicles

6

u/Much-Tangerine4488 1d ago

Isoceles. Don't be obtuse.

7

u/NoKidCouple76 1d ago

The real dad joke

4

u/glassgwaith 1d ago

Yeah OP belongs in r/unclejokes not here

275

u/HappyStop1985 1d ago

Because you got a vasecto-me. You should have gotten vasecto-all

62

u/MDJeffA 1d ago

Now THAT is a dad joke

12

u/lushlife_ 1d ago

But Dads shouldn’t be dicks!

19

u/mynextthroway 1d ago

How do you think they became dads?

128

u/ray10k 1d ago

That's not a dad joke, I didn't groan at the pun.

70

u/RichVisual1714 1d ago

It is obviously only a stepdad joke.

16

u/RevRagnarok 1d ago

"The joke that stepped up."

9

u/PerformanceKey3259 1d ago

The joke beat me up for getting bad grades?

2

u/Nervous_Week_684 1d ago

Not the punch line I was expecting

1

u/RoodnyInc 1d ago

what are you doing step dad

1

u/RedFive1976 1d ago

Yep, I've had enough Internet for the day.

6

u/Kaspur1 1d ago

I never knew my real joke.

2

u/MaidMarian20 1d ago

Good one!!!!

1

u/Emsie314 1d ago

Is it a stepdad or an uncle?

1

u/Gunningham 1d ago

Technically true.

1

u/inspo-moment 1d ago

Step brother? 😮

29

u/Rivuur 1d ago

That is not a kid's joke, it is full groan.

6

u/klinkscousin 1d ago

Uuuugggggggg

3

u/FatBarSteward_6969 1d ago

I groined hard

58

u/altForPronStuff 1d ago

Better for /r/UncleJokes

21

u/charlie22911 1d ago

Agreed, so many “dad jokes” here are NOT what I would call a dad joke and certainly wouldn’t tell them to my kids. Of course I am also open to the possibility that I’m the problem 🤷‍♂️.

15

u/J-A-G-S 1d ago

It's a "you're not the dad" joke.

3

u/GlitteringOne2465 1d ago

You forgot the pause

6

u/Ambrose-Wyld 1d ago

Yup? Had a girl try this on me about 6 years after mine. She had to go

7

u/Cautious_Artichoke_3 1d ago

I thought a vasectomy was when you remove a vase from someone's anus

17

u/dopiqob 1d ago

This is an r/unclejokes , not a dad joke

19

u/albinododobird 1d ago

Absolutely not a dad joke.

5

u/automaddux 1d ago

You are NOT the dad joke

2

u/KyraSellers 1d ago

Just a joke about dads

2

u/Odin1806 1d ago

It's a dad joke... Just not a father joke...

5

u/GuitarFather101 1d ago

Just waiting to see you on Maury

23

u/Level21DungeonMaster 1d ago

Why doesn’t anyone know what a dad joke is?

2

u/CallingYouForMoney 1d ago

Happy cake day! But it was voted on awhile back to allow these types of jokes. r/CleanDadJokes may suit ya better.

4

u/Level21DungeonMaster 1d ago

Yah probably, who voted? I’m assuming not dads.

•

u/OldManGaming606 10m ago

You know what happens when you assume

7

u/goochockey 1d ago

This is a Not the Dad joke.

Someone call Maury

10

u/a1edjohn 1d ago

I think this is a not the dad joke

3

u/lycopene-chan 15h ago

Guess the vasectomy only changed the wifi password, but someone still found a way in

2

u/aburg78 1d ago

Your vasectomy has nothing to do with her pregnancy

1

u/Desperate_Hornet3129 7h ago

And neither did the OP have any to do with her pregnancy.

2

u/Substantial-Ad-9872 1d ago

It's called grudge sex. Somebody had it in for you.

2

u/RealisticExpert4772 1d ago

Vasectomy is not always 100% guaranteed….or it’s possible that someone was fishing in your hole

2

u/Kimimott_1118 23h ago

“houston, we’ve had a problem!”

2

u/TheMadDruid 17h ago

Sorry you found out the hard way.

2

u/toxic_fishy 12h ago

this subreddit is just filled with Quinn Dale jokes lol

2

u/Mave__Dustaine 7h ago

I guess she wanted you tied down in more ways than one.

2

u/kevinagain0722 3h ago

I’m black but my kids are to be proven mine. How in the fuck they got blonde hair and blue eyes? And I thought black genes were the dominant ones. shrugs

2

u/randymursh 1d ago

I love that this is truly a “dad” joke.

1

u/Arthroplaster 1d ago

Sounds like you got the deluxe version of vasectomies - extra surprises!

1

u/Arthroplaster 1d ago

Looks like the only thing snipped was the color coordination

1

u/rahulem 1d ago

Ummm it is ideally advised to use barrier method of contraceptive to be used for 6 months or 30 ejaculates after vasectomy,so. I am wondering that would be the case as i am assuming you’re from a developed nation . Anyways i types what was my first thought after reading this

1

u/UberHuber816 1d ago

I have a good friend who has had THREE vasectomies. Wanna guess why he needed three?

3

u/Nervous_Week_684 1d ago

Reminds me of this joke: what do you call an alien with three balls?

…An Extra Testicle

1

u/Desperate_Hornet3129 7h ago

And what do you do with an alien with 3 balls? You walk it and pitch to the Cosmonaut.

2

u/Nervous_Week_684 6h ago

Ah, a baseball reference. Sad to say it took me a second reading of this a good while later to get it!

Source: am from UK but a casual Mariners fan

1

u/Desperate_Hornet3129 2h ago

It's an adaptation of an old joke.

What do you do with a giraffe with three balls. You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

2

u/barofa 1d ago

Because he wanted the color to keep changing?

1

u/Mcmacladdie 1d ago

I mean, you're not "shooting blanks" until a while after the procedure, so...

1

u/PixelPusherSEO 1d ago

Not a dad joke because dad isn’t the dad.

1

u/RideauLakes 1d ago

Who the daddy?

1

u/rfpels 1d ago

Well f**k that.

1

u/Desperate_Hornet3129 7h ago

Somebody DID!

1

u/hula1234 1d ago

Your wife will be pissed.

1

u/EconomistNo4981 1d ago

Dude ordered his vasectomy on wis

1

u/Head_Abrocoma8626 1d ago

Happened to me before and it didn't work

1

u/ObviousEggplant4877 1d ago

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME FIRST THE. DOCTOR THAN THE LAWYER 

1

u/nyehu09 23h ago

Anyone else here immediately assumed that the baby turned to be like a froggy, ferny cabbage, the baby is unnaturally green?

1

u/itsjustbenny 21h ago

That’s harsh. Also not worth it then! I haven’t had the snip yet and our last baby was a different colour!

1

u/abovemaui 20h ago

I’m on my second vasectomy. Failure is one and 300. Three months after still motile.. Long varicose, veins non-started off as non-surgical no scalpel surgical procedure going back for scalpel, for second procedure. Maybe testosterone therapy. This does act as male birth control. Hard to get doctor to test for.

1

u/DENelson83 20h ago

Oooooooooh!  Sick burn!  🔥🔥🔥

1

u/ExtremePresence3030 15h ago edited 15h ago

She probably felt she Lacks  B.

1

u/hellokittykitties 14h ago

I love this comment thread. To be serious- it absolutely can happen. Vasectomies are not 100% But chances are very very VERY slim. I'd go to your urologist and get your load tested and also DNA test that kid.

1

u/No_College_2499 14h ago

It ain’t ya baby dawg

1

u/TheBossBanan 10h ago

So someone cheated?

1

u/Jarlman1 8h ago

Aaahhuh

1

u/Xfl_roughnecks 1h ago

A Chinese woman had a black baby. The nurse turns to the Chinese husband and asks what he will name the baby. The father answered ‘Sum Ting Wong’

1

u/Substantial_Alps1713 1d ago

This joke SUX!

1

u/SixOutOfTenBud 1d ago

Yeah. Vasectomy only changes the color of the baby.

1

u/dudestir127 1d ago

It also leaves you numb from trunk to skunk for a year

2

u/Lower_Inspector_9213 17h ago

No it doesn’t

1

u/dudestir127 10h ago

I know. It was a Brooklyn 99 reference

0

u/VenomousKiss7769 1d ago

It is possible to get a woman pregnant after getting a vasectomy, but those cases are extremely rare. If your wife doesn't know you've had a vasectomy I'd see about getting a DNA test under wraps. If she does know, which I'm assuming she does, I'd just tell her that you need the test

-2

u/7IGT7 1d ago

Leave it to a woman. Worst killer of a relationship is unfaithfulness.

0

u/sophrocynic 1d ago

The incelligentsia has spoken.

-1

u/mattmaintenance 1d ago

“couolouor”