r/Aquariums • u/Main_Initial_7118 • Jan 25 '24

Parents cleaned my tanks without asking :/ Betta

Came home today to this. First pic is what they put the fish in for god knows how long, last pic is my tank before they cleaned it. They told me it was bc my room looked “messy”. They are old so I don’t blame them…. But damn…

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763

u/dougjayc Jan 25 '24

"dear parents,

While I appreciate you and the effort you put in to cleaning my room, I've put a lot of effort and research into this aquarium. Aquariums are an ecosystem and they rely on ecological services which are provided by microorganisms and plants and the health of my fish can be impacted by changes to the ecosystem. Changes such as thorough cleaning.

I am concerned for the welfare of my fish and I am hurt that this happened without my knowledge. It would have been nice if you were more communicative about your feelings towards my room and fish tank and more communicative about the actions you intended to perform.

Please discuss this sort of thing with me next time, so we could have mutually worked out an agreement."

Whatever you choose to tell them, consider using "I" statements and making it about you, rather than "you statements," which people naturally react to as an attack, and attack back accordingly.

38

u/yildizli_gece Jan 25 '24

This letter is way too fucking long and formal. Also, there wouldn’t have been a need for it because my immediate response would’ve been, “what do you mean you “cleaned the tanks”???

The tanks don’t need to be cleaned; the water is supposed to stay in there because it has cycled and that is what’s best for the fish. Now, I have to start over and it’s going to stress them out and it might kill them! The tank was perfectly fine and running as is; I can’t believe you took them apart! I put all that work into making them. Do you know how much work you just ruined??? ಠ_ಠ “

And then I’d go from there, furious, and making sure they knew never to fuck with my shit again.

25

u/jk01 Jan 25 '24

The problem with this is it can come off as an attack and just anger the person instead of teaching them. The way they worded it attacks the problem, not the person. I wouldn't be surprised if they just didn't know any better.

25

u/yildizli_gece Jan 25 '24

I suppose it depends on the kind of parent one has.

I’m speaking from experience in dealing with the kind of parent who decides to “clean everything“ because really it’s a combination of snooping and a truly obsessive need to clean, which can result in shit disappearing, or being thrown away, or being “put away”, never to be found again because they didn’t really note where they put the thing; they just wanted a clean surface.

In those instances, if I reacted with actual frustration—bordering on being pissed—it didn’t happen again because they realized they overstepped.

Yes, you can explain the importance, but if I was genuinely upset and mad, that made more of an impression than flat talking. The post above would seem like a potential debate and a potential way to ignore me; my reaction would actually make a difference.

YMMV.

17

u/flaire-en-kuldes Jan 25 '24

Came here for aquarium stuff

Didn't expect I'd relive a childhood trauma hahahahahaa

10

u/cambriansplooge Jan 25 '24

I’ve found if I affirm beforehand hey this thing is expensive, and I put a lot of work into it, do not fuck with it my mom backs off doing this.

15

u/Ok_Ebb_538 Jan 25 '24

Yeah that weird obsession with snooping.... it's so real.

5

u/HunsonAbadeer2 Jan 25 '24

I wish it would have worked on my mum. I just moved out

5

u/BasicIntroduction129 Jan 25 '24

Yeah, those hyper-tidying types of people make me seriously stressed when they tidy! I've lost phone bills and movie gift cards after tidying, only to be found months or years later. I'm messy but I know where everything is!

2

u/DeborahJeanne1 Jan 25 '24

They probably don’t know any better but they absolutely need to know better. They need to know what they did is wrong wrong wrong, the fish could potentially die - they may still die - and never, never do it again. I would get a fucking lock for my bedroom door - after I recover from the shock I would be in.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24

It's almost like taking other people's stuff apart and ruining their work is an attack and being told you fucked up is a normal consequence of that...

0

u/jk01 Jan 25 '24

I hear you, but if you want it to actually make a difference explaining why it's a problem is necessary in most cases.

They probably thought they were helping. Random people that don't keep fish don't know that this fucks things up. So controlling your emotions and speaking to them like a person is more productive.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24

The tanks don’t need to be cleaned; the water is supposed to stay in there because it has cycled and that is what’s best for the fish. Now, I have to start over and it’s going to stress them out and it might kill them! The tank was perfectly fine and running as is

Does that not explain why?

Also I take issue with the subtext of "speaking to them like a person". Are you saying the redditor you were replying to was speaking to them not like a person?

1

u/jk01 Jan 25 '24

Listen dude, I'm not gonna sit here and argue with you. If you're too socially inept to realize tone matters then that's on you.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24

I'm engaging with your points. You're calling me names. Who's socially inept, exactly?

-5

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/Ok_Drummer_5684 Jan 25 '24

The personal attacks really aren't necessary, are they? Do better--be better.

2

u/yildizli_gece Jan 25 '24

One, I'm not a kid; I've been an adult over 20 years now.

Two, I only spoke like this--vs. the MANY times my parent "cleaned" my spaces--when it was genuinely a frustrating or upsetting situation, which was rare. You'll note I didn't curse; I just expressed how upset I was. I think when you reach being a teenager in HS, bordering on adulthood, you should be able to have a conversation speaking to your parents as seriously as needed.

Three, as I said elsewhere, YMMV; in my experience, my parent only took me seriously when they could tell I was actually mad. That longwinded explanation of "water parameters" would go right over their head and would never have sunk in, and talking to them about "being communicative about feelings to mutually work out an agreement" is some mealy-mouthed therapy speak they would've rolled their eyes at.

OP said this was in their own house, and their parents were visiting, which means it wasn't even their space to "clean". You honestly think those are the kind of parents who will listen to an understated reaction? Age has nothing to do with it; I know people in their 80s who are spitfires.

AND, they actually killed some of the tank inhabitants. And you wanna have a calm conversation about boundaries for "next time"? Fuck that.

Conversely, I don't have to speak to my own kid this way because I respect their space, I don't do shit without telling them, and I actually explain things to them because I don't want to be my parent.

-1

u/Mrg220t Jan 25 '24

Conversely, I don't have to speak to my own kid this way because I respect their space, I don't do shit without telling them, and I actually explain things to them because I don't want to be my parent.

I mean if your kid decided to help out and "clean" your car using a metal brush or something like that. Will you blow up and go apeshit on your kid like the dialog you were giving?

Old people trying to be useful and failing is in the same category as a young child trying to be useful and failing. When you get older, your cognitive abilities deteriorate.

2

u/yildizli_gece Jan 25 '24

Honestly, when my kid was young enough to do that kind of thing without knowing better, they never had the opportunity because I always knew where they were. That shit happens to people who let their 5-yo wander outside, unsupervised and left alone for the next hour.

That being said, of course shit still happens. Has my kid tried to "help" with stuff when they were just old enough to not need full supervision, only to fuck it up? Yes, though never to that level of disaster; they never did anything that was unfixable and certainly nothing that was costly to undo. And maybe I'm lucky, but I have spent their entire childhood always explaining things--even when I knew they were too young to get it--because eventually they do, and they haven't fucked up anything to a terrible degree.

Maybe your parents are sweet innocents and this is why you're failing to understand the situation. OP said their parents wanted the tanks out of their room--again, not in their house but in OP's house--so they intentionally took it apart, washed shit with soap, and left what they could get out of the tank in a fucking measuring cup.

That is not "innocent helping"; that is a parent who has spent a LIFETIME stepping over boundaries and deciding--because they didn't like something--they were going to change it for their kid, who they still don't even see as an adult.

Lucky you that you apparently don't have parents who stomp over boundaries, or who never did anything intentionally to fuck your shit up with the hopes of simply getting rid of something they didn't like.

-5

u/antariusz Jan 25 '24

The problem is, you are living at their house, in their home. You want to be independent… get your own living accommodation.

9

u/rlowens Jan 25 '24

Except OP ISN'T in their house. In OP's other post:

My parents came over to visit for a few days and sow how messy my bedroom was.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 25 '24

Private property ruins basic compassion yet again. Someone's personal space is their own. If it doesn't affect the owners, the owners need to shut up and sit down. They don't have a right to come in and literally destroy a project that took years to get to this point just because they are nosy and controlling. This shit infuriates me to no end. Stop excusing it. If you think you have the right to control someone else's personal space, and worse, do so with absolutely zero communication, then there is something wrong with your respect.