Parents cleaned my tanks without asking :/

[u/Main_Initial_7118]

Came home today to this. First pic is what they put the fish in for god knows how long, last pic is my tank before they cleaned it. They told me it was bc my room looked “messy”. They are old so I don’t blame them…. But damn…

[u/dougjayc]

"dear parents,

While I appreciate you and the effort you put in to cleaning my room, I've put a lot of effort and research into this aquarium. Aquariums are an ecosystem and they rely on ecological services which are provided by microorganisms and plants and the health of my fish can be impacted by changes to the ecosystem. Changes such as thorough cleaning.

I am concerned for the welfare of my fish and I am hurt that this happened without my knowledge. It would have been nice if you were more communicative about your feelings towards my room and fish tank and more communicative about the actions you intended to perform.

Please discuss this sort of thing with me next time, so we could have mutually worked out an agreement."

Whatever you choose to tell them, consider using "I" statements and making it about you, rather than "you statements," which people naturally react to as an attack, and attack back accordingly.

[u/yildizli_gece → u/dougjayc]

This letter is way too fucking long and formal. Also, there wouldn’t have been a need for it because my immediate response would’ve been, “what do you mean you “cleaned the tanks”???

The tanks don’t need to be cleaned; the water is supposed to stay in there because it has cycled and that is what’s best for the fish. Now, I have to start over and it’s going to stress them out and it might kill them! The tank was perfectly fine and running as is; I can’t believe you took them apart! I put all that work into making them. Do you know how much work you just ruined??? ಠ_ಠ “

And then I’d go from there, furious, and making sure they knew never to fuck with my shit again.

[u/[deleted] → u/yildizli_gece]

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[u/Ok_Drummer_5684 → u/[deleted]]

The personal attacks really aren't necessary, are they? Do better--be better.

[u/yildizli_gece → u/[deleted]]

One, I'm not a kid; I've been an adult over 20 years now.

Two, I only spoke like this--vs. the MANY times my parent "cleaned" my spaces--when it was genuinely a frustrating or upsetting situation, which was rare. You'll note I didn't curse; I just expressed how upset I was. I think when you reach being a teenager in HS, bordering on adulthood, you should be able to have a conversation speaking to your parents as seriously as needed.

Three, as I said elsewhere, YMMV; in my experience, my parent only took me seriously when they could tell I was actually mad. That longwinded explanation of "water parameters" would go right over their head and would never have sunk in, and talking to them about "being communicative about feelings to mutually work out an agreement" is some mealy-mouthed therapy speak they would've rolled their eyes at.

OP said this was in their own house, and their parents were visiting, which means it wasn't even their space to "clean". You honestly think those are the kind of parents who will listen to an understated reaction? Age has nothing to do with it; I know people in their 80s who are spitfires.

AND, they actually killed some of the tank inhabitants. And you wanna have a calm conversation about boundaries for "next time"? Fuck that.

Conversely, I don't have to speak to my own kid this way because I respect their space, I don't do shit without telling them, and I actually explain things to them because I don't want to be my parent.

[u/Mrg220t → u/yildizli_gece]

Conversely, I don't have to speak to my own kid this way because I respect their space, I don't do shit without telling them, and I actually explain things to them because I don't want to be my parent.

I mean if your kid decided to help out and "clean" your car using a metal brush or something like that. Will you blow up and go apeshit on your kid like the dialog you were giving?

Old people trying to be useful and failing is in the same category as a young child trying to be useful and failing. When you get older, your cognitive abilities deteriorate.

[u/yildizli_gece → u/Mrg220t]

Honestly, when my kid was young enough to do that kind of thing without knowing better, they never had the opportunity because I always knew where they were. That shit happens to people who let their 5-yo wander outside, unsupervised and left alone for the next hour.

That being said, of course shit still happens. Has my kid tried to "help" with stuff when they were just old enough to not need full supervision, only to fuck it up? Yes, though never to that level of disaster; they never did anything that was unfixable and certainly nothing that was costly to undo. And maybe I'm lucky, but I have spent their entire childhood always explaining things--even when I knew they were too young to get it--because eventually they do, and they haven't fucked up anything to a terrible degree.

Maybe your parents are sweet innocents and this is why you're failing to understand the situation. OP said their parents wanted the tanks out of their room--again, not in their house but in OP's house--so they intentionally took it apart, washed shit with soap, and left what they could get out of the tank in a fucking measuring cup.

That is not "innocent helping"; that is a parent who has spent a LIFETIME stepping over boundaries and deciding--because they didn't like something--they were going to change it for their kid, who they still don't even see as an adult.

Lucky you that you apparently don't have parents who stomp over boundaries, or who never did anything intentionally to fuck your shit up with the hopes of simply getting rid of something they didn't like.