r/japanese • u/Educational_Exam1791 • 2d ago
Japanese girl told me she loved me
So I've very recently started seeing this Japanese girl, and when we were getting a bit frisky this one time, she said that she loved me in English. I kind of let it go in the moment, but she could tell that that kind of startled me. Later, I brought the moment up with her and asked if she really meant it and she said that she did, but that "I love you" was commonly used more casually and platonically in Japanese culture. She then said she would say "aishiteru" instead going forward.
I'm wondering if her claims are true, or if she's just attempting to backtrack, because I remember hearing that Japanese people do not often say "I love you" to one another, much less "aishiteru", which had very intense connotations.
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u/ewchewjean 2d ago
Hey fellas this woman who slept with me said she loves me what does it mean???
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u/XBakaTacoX 2d ago
It either means she had a good time and she loves you, or it means she had a REALLY good time and she loves you.
In any case, the answer is the same... How do you feel about her, OP?
That's the real question. You know she loves you, you gotta figure out if you feel the same.
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u/MemeL_rd 2d ago
I mean, she did say that she really meant it. She only said her reasoning because of how you reacted. Usually people would say 好き more than 愛 to each other as friends, family, or whatever other para-social relationship that exists nowadays.
Remember: she only responded and reacted that way because of how you reacted. Whether it is true or not is not the important part here: she clearly has affectionate feelings towards you and hopes you reciprocate.
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u/Yoonmin 2d ago
Bro the real question is do you love her back? If so, go for it!! Stop wasting around the bush to still think if she still likes you or not. What you gotta lose! 😁
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u/Educational_Exam1791 2d ago
I think you may be misunderstanding the situation. Basically, I think when she told me that she loved me, she really did mean it romantically, but once she saw that I was taken aback by how quickly she was moving, she attempted to retract the statement by downplaying its significance in Japanese culture. I am trying to figure out if I am justified in this belief, and if "aishiteru" is really as casual as she presents it to be.
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u/Shiranui42 2d ago
Not really casual for the older generation but maybe younger people are more relaxed. Or hormonal? Lol
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u/xxHikari 2d ago
Here's an actual answer, because I don't know how old you are. I've dated two Japanese women, one I am currently with. Both have told me they love me, both speak English (one much better than the other) and one doesn't say it too often. One is 36, other is 44, and I'm 34. It's not super common for Japanese people to say it, at least not at that generation, but I would take it and run with it dude. It's just not super common, but just take the chance that she actually does mean it for real.
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u/fripi 2d ago
It depends on how you would think "I love you" is translated. Daisuki would be the liking of something/one and be quite honest but below the emotional weight of "I love you". Aishteru on the other hand is equal or a bit above.
And yes, daisuki is a rather easier thing to say but I also think that she is failing to convey all the levels of complicated when it comes to Japanese dating.
While in many western cultures a first date can end with anything that is rather unlikely in Japan, often there is a few meeting involved before meeting alone somewhere. On the other hand the commitment of being together and a confession of loves is expected early on. Some say on the third date the love needs to be made clear or it ends.
This is just the surface of it, however I feel that while saying daisuki or aishteru both is not done very easily in japan, this is complicated to transfer to another culture. It for sure comes much earlier in a relationship, or even while getting into one.
So overall I would be not at all surprised and while the short explanation is not perfect, I would say that is true in general.
Good luck, communication is key in a relationship especially with someone from such a different background. My partner is Japanese and the communication fuckups we had during the first years were bonkers ..
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u/anger_leaf 2d ago
from what i understand, to initiate a deeper connection, 愛 is definitely used. not often, but its definitely used. she really likes you and wants you to reciprocate this new deeper connection. go with it!!
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u/aBL1NDnoob 2d ago edited 2d ago
Nope, they actually almost never say I love you. You are the 3rd man (1st non-Japanese) in history that it’s been said to. Congrats. Time to celebrate! Step 1: make a cringy post on reddit ✔️ Step 2: marry the woman and watch as she transitions into a monster. Wahey!
EDIT: on a serious note, I can tell you for a fact that literally every nerd that has commented so far has never been in any kind of romantic relationship with a Japanese woman. In true reddit fashion, they’re spewing nonsense while acting like they’re experts on the topic. Your girl didnt take anything back because of your dorky reaction, she literally told you how it is: in Japanese culture, saying I love you is our equivalent to I like you
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u/XGuiltyAsChargedX 2d ago
Is it? What's with Japanese not using the expression lightly? I don't speak Japanese, and I've only read about the different expressions in English transcription, and by no means I could specify the subtle details of Japanese "dating" (I hate the term and the action with a passion, but that's another topic).
So I often wondered how it would be with a Japanese person and if both sides would get it right. There's no reason to mock OP for it. If the various ways of expressing affection are really very specific and very bond to Japanese culture in detail, COULD it be that the girl read about the English "I love you" and how and when it's used, and just feels a bit more free to say it OR doesn't exactly know how and when to say it and also feels a bit unsure now, no matter her feelings?
You say Aishiteru would be the equivalent to the Western I like you, and for everything that I've been explained also BY JAPANESE PEOPLE that's not true. "I like you" is firstly only the expression of a liking, and it's only nowadays a more common way to express a beginning romantic interest. That's a new thing, though, and it can very easily be misinterpreted; like is the weakest form of affection and can be used for everything, I like my coworker and I like my new dress. To say that to a potential love interest would be only the very first, rather insignificant step.
I love you, however, is pretty serious, no matter if meant platonically or romantically.
Now Aishiteru, as far as I know, is very rarely used - even if meant - even for serious couples, and even more rarely in a platonic meaning. Either way, it's very serious.
Could it simply be the girl wanted to express her romantic interest and didn't know that "I love you" is a tad too much at the beginning?!
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u/raspberrih 2d ago
You're not going to get a definitive answer because young Japanese people DO use English phrases quite casually but again she slept with you
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u/XGuiltyAsChargedX 2d ago
I get what you mean. I don't speak Japanese, and I've only read about the various expressions of affection in English transcription.
To me, it sounds like she wanted to express her romantic interest, and used the "I love you" because she felt more free to do it in English. OR she wanted to differentiate it from a simple "like" to emphasize the romantic meaning.
While both like and love can be used platonically, also in Western cultures the context is relevant. In your situation a platonic "I love you" from a Western woman would be highly unlikely, and a romantic I love you would be pretty serious.
So, since she compared it to a platonic Aishiteru - which was explained to me by Japanese people is even more rarely used in a platonic context, but even hardly ever used in a romantic context as we know it -, it sounds to me as if she'd meant it romantically and indeed backpaddles now. But it could very well also be she only wanted to express her extreme way to like you as a friend. Either way it's (too) serious for the beginning, and I think she got the connotations a bit wrong since she's learned that Westerners express their feelings more freely in some way.
So, you have two options and can go both ways:
Ask a Japanese WOMAN or a Japanese person who speaks English fluently, or knows Western habits very well. Even if the platform can be very dubious, there are a few Japanese people in Quora who may be able to answer your question better. Expect a few misunderstandings because many of them only use translators. It can be they are versed in the not so subtle, but alsl complicated details of "Western dating" as well though, and they can explain the Japanese side to you.
And that's the way I would definitely go, I would talk to her openly. In a light-hearted manner, tell her that you don't know the differences and just want to be sure, so go on in a very direct way - tell her that you have feelings for her, that you're beginning to be IN LOVE with her, and that you don't know if that's in it for you. Opportunity to make a few jokes about cultural differences. If you go first, she can be open. If she's really not interested to go the romantic path further, you've lost nothing and it's better to know now. But I don't really think so.
It sounds as if she doesn't know that I love you is pretty serious, if platonic or romantic, and that it's mostly always seen as a romantic expression in your situation.
I've read comments of Japanese people married to Westerners who use "I love you" very often for both their spouse and children, but basically never use Aishiteru for either of them. So, I don't think it's common. I think it's a cultural misunderstanding.
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u/Progorion 2d ago
It seems nobody gets what u are asking haha, sadly I have no insights to help u. :/ :)
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u/No_Maximum3363 1d ago
I mean, the word "aishiteru" and "I love you" are very different even if they kinda mean the same for people who speak japanese and english, because Japanese people, at least the ones in my knowledge, are very serious when it comes to say something with that power, so I guess she's being fr with you, unless she is more associated with the american culture and the words "I love you" have less weight in her mind
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u/FatalisCogitationis 2d ago
Just trust her word for it man. One way or another she has strong feelings for you, the real question is what will you do?