r/AmItheAsshole • u/HedgehogFun6877 • 4d ago
AITAH for letting my cousin play white elephant? Asshole
My (30m) parents threw a Christmas party and we always play white elephant/dirty Santa. We brought two gifts for my wife (27f) and I. While my wife was feeding the baby, the game started. My little cousin said he forgot a gift so I told him he could use one of ours. When my wife came out I told her and she seemed fine and we played together. At the end I picked a different gift to steal than she wanted, but again she seemed fine. We got home and she told me she was really upset that she picked out the gifts to bring and than didn’t get a change to play. It’s just a game and she didn’t say anything in the moment so I’m confused why she’s mad now. All the gifts were just stuff that we can buy whenever. I really didn’t think she’d mind that I let my cousin play instead. AITAH?
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u/AlexGrahamBellHater Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Yep YTA, a pretty major one
You displayed that you're inconsiderate and thoughtless.
Your wife was feeding the baby and your family couldn't wait another 15-20 minutes to start? So y'all just went on ahead and played without her while she was feeding the baby. Your wife got two gifts instead of one for the game because she CLEARLY wanted to play too. But y'all went on without her because she had responsibilities as a mom and y'all were too impatient to wait. You should've asked to see if the family could just hold on for a minute.
Your cousin comes in with piss-poor planning and you bail them out by giving your wife's gift to them to pass off as their own so they could play in the game. You gave away your wife's spot instead of yours. So now y'all are sharing your one spot instead of the two that y'all should've had but you gave it away to your cousin who knows about the tradition and failed to get anything for the game and coasted on the excuse of he's 15 like he's some kind of helpless child.
To make matters worse, not only did you give away her spot and robbed her of a chance to play in a fun Christmas game, you had a chance to steal an item and instead of what she wanted, you got what Y-O-U wanted. So she didn't get a chance to really play in the game and she didn't get a chance to try and get anything that she might have wanted from the game.
To make it EVEN WORSE, you're now telling us you basically didn't care with the "it's just a game...I don't know why she's so mad" - She's mad because she bought the two gifts, wrapped it herself, and was excited to play the game for the gifts she bought for your family. But because you didn't give a fuck, she missed out on something she was excited for, planned for, and bought TWO gifts for so you BOTH, B-O-T-H, could play the game. But as fate would have it, she had to feed the baby and it's not like she can tell the baby to fuck off and wait because they don't work that way. So she had to leave the game, find out her husband gave away her spot, play the game with him, and watch as her husband steals an item that he doesn't care about when she had something she wanted from the game.
I'd be pretty fucking salty if my partner was that inconsiderate too. She didn't make a scene at the party because she's a woman of class and maturity and knows better than to make a scene in front of family so in a show of respect for you (which you better step up in showing HER respect), she waited until y'all could talk about it privately to discuss how what you did made her feel.
Please don't be a further AH and dismiss her and her feelings. They are valid, you were inconsiderate, and if i were you, I'd be working on an apology. It may not seem like a big deal to you but this is the type of thing that women notice and remember and enough of these things can spell the end of your relationship if you ain't careful because people don't really like not being thought of by the person they love the most in the world. It's always the little things man.
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u/Just_Abies_57 4d ago
Yup to all of this! Also “it’s just a game” is always an interesting reply. If its just a game, then why didn’t you forfeit your turn and wait for your wife?
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u/Shutupandplayball 4d ago
OP is a HUGE AH. He’s trying to justify his actions by minimizing the true impact on his wife’s feelings. This is not the first time and definitely won’t be the last!
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u/BaitedBreaths 4d ago
Yeah, "it's just a game" is on par with "it was just a joke."
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u/AyHazCat 4d ago
Give it a couple of years and it’ll be “I don’t get why she left me, it was just some dishes left in the sink…”
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u/Sassy-Pants_888 3d ago
I literally know someone who left her husband because he walked across her freshly mopped floor in disgusting work boots.
The last straw isn't what anyone would think it is. It's this inconsiderate and selfish bullshit. Take your boots off at the door or let your wife play.
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u/Trick_Horse_13 3d ago
Tbh I would leave someone who did that to me. I think I’d leave someone who did this to another person (like an office cleaner etc)
It’s not about the dirty boots, it’s about the complete lack of respect for the time and effort spent to clean the house. It just shows that this type of person doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t value your work.
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u/PolkaDotDancer 3d ago
This! My spouse has not a clue why I am pissed him a lot of the time.
But it is just [a little thing to him] minor detail, and you are a nit picker!
A divorce is not always one big thing but often a bunch of crushing straws.
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u/thebeaglemama 3d ago
THIS. These are exactly the scenarios where a person is like “my spouse just left me out of nowhere, I have no idea what went wrong!”
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u/DeepValleyDrive Partassipant [1] 4d ago
It's also "just a game" to the guy who put in ZERO effort to buy or wrap the gifts. My guess is that OP is one of those people who just lets his wife do all the thoughtful work around him with no regard for what she's doing. They all claim to be chill or not care about things, but they sure as hell do notice when those nice or thoughtful gestures stop.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 4d ago edited 3d ago
like telling folks "you're too sensitive". Another way of not taking responsibility for being a jerk.
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u/dutchessmandy 4d ago
Exactly! It's either a big deal or it's not, and it was clearly a big enough deal that he didn't want to forfeit his turn, but he expects her to forfeit hers, even though she's the one that put in all the legwork for the gifts.
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u/apathetichearts Partassipant [1] 4d ago
EXACTLY. I love how it’s “just stuff we can buy whenever” - okay, then it should have been simple to steal what she wanted if it didn’t matter. It’s so telling that he went with the present he wanted.
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u/VehicleInevitable833 4d ago
Same with the people who cut in line…we’re all going to get to the front, what does it matter?
Welp, it can not matter for you at the back of the line!
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u/Stanced2JZ 3d ago
And if it’s just “gifts we can buy ourselves”, why didn’t he let his wife chose the gift to steal and buy the other gift himself.
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u/chaicoffeecheese 3d ago
Yeah, if it was 'just a game', he could have given HIS gift to his cousin and asked to wait so his wife could still play with HER gift... they had two, clearly one for each. If he's giving one away, it should be his own.
OP is definitely the AH here.
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u/anna-the-bunny Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3d ago
It's only "just a game" when his wife is upset about not getting to participate - if he was being voluntold to sit out in favor of someone else, it's a tradition!
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/KSknitter Asshole Aficionado [19] 4d ago
Exactly, also as a new mom you are left out of so many adult things. The girl night hang outs, the random invites for coffee, the lunches at work all become pumping sessions and "I have to care for baby" events. This was likely her "adult event" of the week... and she lost it because her husband gave it away.
Dad's never have to give them up because they are never primary in care (and with breastfeeding, they can't be... not really...)
Dad was major asshat
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u/3secondcountdown 4d ago
Absolutely! I’ve been there and I still see it. Mom handles everything baby-related (packing everything, carrying the baby, soothing the baby, feeding the baby). Dad doesn’t see it because she’s managing it. Constantly. All she wanted was to participate like everybody else and he couldn’t let it happen. It’s inconsiderate and it absolutely builds resentment. He doesn’t even see it.
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u/notanonymo 4d ago
Yes, i came to see if anyone touched on this. Idk how old baby is but as a pregnant mom myself who is in therapy, it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to him, but to a post-partum woman who is always putting herself last to meet everyone else's needs first, it hurts extra when you are so blatantly disregarded in a more obvious way.
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u/baconbitsy 4d ago edited 4d ago
Piggybacking to add: get your ASS to the store, and buy her what she wanted you to steal since it’s so goddamn easy.
YTA.
Edit to add: thanks for awards guys!
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u/EllySPNW 4d ago
Well said. The TLDR is that OP put everyone’s feelings ahead of his wife’s, and then was super dismissive when she had hurt feelings. He might as well have told her “you don’t matter.”
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u/bettyclevelandstewrt Partassipant [1] 4d ago
She put in all the work, and OP and his cousin reaped all the reward. And in a breathtakingly ungrateful way. With such careless disregard, this is surely not the only way OP sucks the joy out of life for his wife. Enjoy it while it lasts OP- YTA and you need to think of a way to make it up to your wife.
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u/MEos3 4d ago
And this was probably YET ANOTHER thing she had to miss out on because she was pregnant/breastfeeding/parenting. Trust me, it adds up fast and some things are unavoidable (can't drink that fancy drink) but some things she shouldn't have to miss. If people cared about her they would wait a few minutes, offer to help, or simply give her a later number so she has time to feed the baby. She's upset because she didn't need to miss this event, and you excluded her anyway.
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u/saltycandycat 4d ago
Omg yes. With my first child, I still remember going to a different room to cry because everyone started opening presents without us when I had to go change her diaper. They couldn’t even wait five minutes for her; like she didn’t even matter.
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u/Any_Comedian2468 Partassipant [1] 4d ago
My in-laws always would start dinner as soon as I’d leave to breastfeed the baby. Once my FIL ate all of my fried rice so that when I had nursed her and put her down to nap, I came out and there wasn’t any food left for me. I was so mad that my husband didn’t look out for me.
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u/cranberry94 3d ago
How’s it played out long term? Has your husband gotten better? Was there a confrontation?
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u/PopPunkIsNotDead 3d ago
This! Motherhood is sometimes so isolating. We still have the chair in my daughter's room where I spent so many hours feeding her. Sometimes it felt like I would spend all day in that chair, as she would also fall asleep on me.
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u/KeyBox6804 4d ago
@alexGrahamBellHater please take my poor person 🥇🥇🥇🥇. Perfectly said! OP YTA and a big one. You owe your saint of a wife one large apology
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u/Cause_I_Was_Inverted 4d ago
And for the love of all that’s holy he needs to stop what he’s doing RIGHT THIS SECOND and go buy some NICE things to put in her stocking. 🧦That thing better not be empty come tomorrow morning. He’s sooooooooo YTA.
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u/depressoespress 4d ago
My mom still fills all our stockings (Im the youngest and 20) so for the last couple of years I have been grabbing a couple of things to put in her stocking and throwing it in there after she's gone to bed. Everyone deserves a surprise in their stocking! Its not expensive and really doesn't take that long if you know what your loved ones like
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u/GiraffeCocoon 4d ago
That's very sweet of you. I'm a mom and now grandma, 43, still filling everyone's stockings every year and no one has ever filled mine. You're sweet to take care of your mama.
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u/Alone_Break7627 4d ago
my husband doesn't get this. I fill his stocking, just for funsies and not once has he thought about mine :/
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u/aJennyAnn 4d ago
Sounds like his stocking doesn't need to get filled anymore. "Oh, I didn't think we were doing stockings."
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u/AlternativeAcademia 4d ago
Not stockings, but I just pointed out to my partner that I always wrap his presents and he never wraps mine. When I said it’s fine and I could just stop wrapping presents for him(I mean, it IS extra expense, effort, and waste) he decided that he’s going to start making an effort on wrapping/presentation.
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u/Persistent_Parkie 3d ago
My mom was the primary bread winner and one year she was too overwhelmed with work to wrap presents. That was the year my dad paid me $4 a package to wrap my OWN gifts (I had already been wrapping mom's presents since elementary school so he didn't have to). To absolutely no one's suprise I'm a woman.
Since mom's dementia and eventually passing he has finally taken on gift wrapping though if he can find someone to pay to do it he will.
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u/Sp1d3rb0t 3d ago
In my experience, they don't.
I told my husband very clearly for the last couple years that I wanted him to fill my stocking. In fact I have started communicating everything I want exactly how I want it. It was difficult for me at first (and an adjustment for husband) but it's been great practice for advocating for myself on a larger scale.
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u/Alone_Break7627 3d ago
exactly. Selective hearing and comprehension. It's just another piece of straw on the pile.
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u/depressoespress 4d ago
Thats so frustrating!! I can't imagine looking at all the work my mom puts in for christmas and not doing something little like that for her. I wish I could come over and stuff your stocking for you, you deserve it!
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u/Purple-Tumbleweed 4d ago edited 4d ago
The wife posted about this earlier. This post just made it worse. Lol. I hope she sees this. I'm going to try and find the post. I think it's in am I overreacting...going to look now
Found the wife's post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/Hv5ZYLByOv
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u/rachiem7355 3d ago
Thanks for sharing this. I read her post. I find it ironic he never posted until he found out that everybody was siding with her on her post. I guess he thought he'd get some Vindication by posting on this site and he's probably really mad to everybody's calling him the ah. LOL
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u/AlexGrahamBellHater Partassipant [1] 4d ago
PLEASE DO!!! I didn't know there was another post!
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u/Illustrious_Match815 4d ago
Take my upvote!!!! This needs to be top comment! Holy smokes, OP, you're the biggest AH I've read about today.
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u/PupLove4ev 3d ago
Thanks for finding her POV, I thought NTA and that it wasn't a big deal until I read her post. Mainly because he said lil cousin and I presumed it was a kid. Reading her post I felt her disappointment and know what it means to look fwd to playing as my fam plays and enjoys game nights and events. Changed my vote, YTA.
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u/tinytyranttamer Partassipant [2] 4d ago
Can you run a seminar for clueless spouses? Obviously the responsible spouses will have get the tickets, book the time off, lay out the clothes, and endure clueless spouse arrives on time,
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u/fuck_you_thats_who 4d ago
But she seemed fine! It's as though she hid her true feelings to not make others feel uncomfortable but now she's complaining to me, what a fraud.
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u/ClearAbove 3d ago
Absolutely. She should have thrown a tantrum in the middle of the party and made it all about herself. What a duplicitous ass for not doing so and being considerate of the enjoyment of others.
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u/Ok_Orange1920 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is so feral and SO accurate. DAMN.
ETA more thoughts:
AND this isn’t even considering ALL the other times she’s felt trapped and excluded because she’s doing a lot of work taking care of the baby. People have NO IDEA how isolating it is. So, OP, do better to be aware of similar situations like this in the future, no matter how small.
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u/sar2a2ne 4d ago
This. OP, you need to read this comment twice, take stock of all the little ways you show your wife you don’t give a shit about her, read the comment two more times, and maybe, if u/AlexGrahamBellHater is willing, send a DM asking them to be your personal marriage coach because you’re horrific at being a decent spouse.
Edit: forgot the YTA.
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u/JuanaBlanca 4d ago
And on top of everything else, she was trying to keep things chill in the moment and not cause a scene, and this toddler husband is all " wHy diDnT shE SaY anYThiNg?"
YTA, OP. So much.
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u/TheAngerMonkey Partassipant [2] 4d ago
Calling it now: this guy will have a stocking full of presents tomorrow, hers will be empty.
YTA
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u/Internal-Student-997 4d ago
God, I hope she returns every single one and leaves him a single already-scratched lotto ticket in his stocking.
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u/The_CrookedMan 4d ago
It is always nice when the top comment reflects literally everything you were wanting to say in your own comment. Good job.
OP YTA. You're the type of person who will be blindsided in a few years when she divorces your ass. not understanding where you went wrong. Because with you, it's not going to be one big thing. It's going to be lots and lots and lots of small things that add up and she isn't going to be able to tell you the ONE thing you did because you're just an in general fuck up when it comes to her feelings. I honestly don't understand what women see in people like you who lack any sort of empathy and can be so callous and dismissive of the feelings of people you supposedly love.
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u/sundial11sxm 4d ago
Yep! Men expect women to do all the work for the holidays for them and then treat them like staff. It's insane!
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u/Flashy_Feeling_1110 3d ago
i’m so happy i’m not the only one, but sad there are so many of us.
i bought and wrapped all the gifts for our nieces. their house burned to the ground in the middle of the night in April, so they get extra extra gifts this year.
i asked my husband to get a walmart pickup order i placed yesterday while he was already making a trip to walmart. his car broke down, i had to spend 2 hours on the road rescuing him, and he neglected to tell me he didn’t make it to walmart (yeah, the walmart i drove by twice when i went to rescue his ass…)
i asked where the order was this morning. he said he didn’t make it to walmart. i got mad at him for not telling me because i literally drove by there twice yesterday
he shooed me out of our house with that dismissive hand motion and said “please go to work”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME MAN?
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u/Witty-Stock-4913 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4d ago
Right?!? And if he makes this unilateral decision, he gives up his turn to play, not hers. Spectacular YTA.
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u/Radiant-Walrus-4961 4d ago
Literally nothing else to say. This is the perfect comment. OP, YTA and listen to this person.
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u/tropicsandcaffeine 4d ago
OP will delete this post within a few hours because it proves him wrong.
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u/AlexGrahamBellHater Partassipant [1] 4d ago
It definitely proves that it's at least a bigger deal than he thought it was.
I'm still shaking my head at finding out he stole lotto tickets instead of a nice bottle of wine from a local restaurant.
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u/JoKing917 Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Exactly. She did all the work of planning, buying and wrapping presents, as well as taking care of their child. He gets to be the hero AND get a present for himself, while punishing his wife.
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u/nononanana 4d ago
These are the small things that actually make a relationship. But OP is too self-centered to see it. Then one day they’re sitting around wondering why their spouse is emotionally disconnected or wants a divorce when they undermined the relationship in countless little ways.
I mean, damn dude, she was feeding your child and you just treated her like an afterthought.
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u/Decrepit_Pixel 4d ago
Your summarization of this is fantastically spot on and also OP made his wife not just feel excluded from the game but also from the family which is pretty brutal way to treat someone.
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Partassipant [3] 4d ago
OP just got lightly sautéed, seared on both sides, and roasted at 350°!
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u/Tiny-Trifle1348 Partassipant [1] 4d ago
The family absolutely should have waited. It’s just common decency. I’m still salty that my husband’s family took a family photo at a get together when I was out in the car pumping. It kinda stung when the photos were shared with everyone and I realized that either no one noticed I was missing or no one cared to wait.
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u/RedHolly 4d ago
This a million times!!! So often women do the greater share of the work at holidays and receive the lesser share of the benefits (not always, obviously , but definitely in this case). Spoil her and apologize!!!
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u/Significant-Bobcat48 Partassipant [3] 4d ago
YTA. You could’ve given up your own spot lol why did it have to be her spot? If you were taking turns playing, and she wanted a certain gift, just pick the one she wanted. Clearly you don’t care abt the gift and she does, so what’s the harm in making her happy?
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u/PNL-Maine 4d ago
“Little Cousin”…where was little cousin’s parents? Why didn’t they forfeit one of their gifts for little cousin?
OP, this was a really dick move of yours, I realize in the grand scheme of things a white elephant game is not screaming divorce, but sometimes all the little inconsiderate things you do to your spouse will eventually add up. You need to do better.
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u/midnight-queen29 4d ago
i would bet that “little cousin” is plenty old enough to spend $20 on a gift
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u/Beautiful_Meaning_84 4d ago
I would bet "little cousin" is also male and also used to getting away with this behavior in the family. 🙄
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u/MaximusSarc 3d ago
I bet OP was just like the inconsiderate "little cousin" who others bailed out of his lazy, inconsiderate, shitty behavior, so OP had neither a problem continuing this asshole-ish behavior into the next generation nor disregarding his thoughtful wife.
The other thing asshole husband did was demonstrate for his family how little his wife matters. The don't need to be considerate of her either. Her feelings are expendable.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and
yes, OP, you ARE the asshole--a brazen one.Find a way to make it up to your wife with a sincere apology indicating you learned something from the well-deserved ass-whippin' you took from that top comment and then do something nice for your wife to show her that she matters to you.
YTA
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 3d ago
I bet "little" cousin isn't actually so little anymore and is in fact a grown ass man capable of being responsible for himself or face any potential consequences.
I'm the baby of the cousins but even though I'm in my 30s I'm still seen as the baby.
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u/Titariia 3d ago
"Little cousin" was apparently 15. With 15 it's completely his own fault for not bringing the gift. If it was a child of something like 8 years OP at least would have gotten a point for having good intentions, even though he failed at it. But a 15 year old boy is old enough to keep track of things
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u/Kind-Protection2023 4d ago
Omg. YTA. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a room feeding a baby while everyone else has fun. First, you allowed the game to start without her. And second, you gave her gift away. Terrible behaviour on you and your family’s part.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 4d ago
This. Nursing can start to take over your life to where you feel like you are just a human cow. And the family reinforced this.
Also, I know its her choice on where to nurse, but I noted she isn't nursing around the family.
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u/pineapple09 4d ago
Re: the second part - in all fairness, some babies (side eyes my own) have extreme FOMO and won’t eat if there’s ✨interesting stuff✨ nearby. We bottle feed and will still bring him in another room to feed him if we’re at friends/family’s house
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u/Radiant-Walrus-4961 4d ago
Right "she didn't say anything in the moment" because she was feeding their child at the time. Honestly I feel so badly for her that her spouse and his family are like this.
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u/sprinklesadded 4d ago
Absolutely this. When my kid was younger, I was always pulled away to focus on her simply because I'm mom - feeding, supervising, etc. Your family should have been more accommodating, and you as her partner should be her biggest ally and advocate.
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u/ncslazar7 Partassipant [4] 4d ago
YTA. She didn't say anything because you were in front of family and she didn't want to start an argument and embarrass you both. It was kind of selfish to give away your wife's gift without asking her, and your family could have waited for her to come back before playing. Your cousin also forgot to bring a gift, and should have sat out.
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u/dutchessmandy 4d ago
Right? If it "wasn't a big deal" then why wasn't he the one to sit out? Especially if she's the one that went through the effort of picking out the gifts to bring.
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u/DreamyOblivion 3d ago
Because they played together, so it was OK! Nevermind that OP is the one who gave away their 2nd gift and made unilateral decisions in the game so that his wife couldn't actually choose. They were doing that together so why does it matter?
/s if it's not painfully obvious. OP sucks.
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u/_iamstardust_ Partassipant [1] 4d ago edited 4d ago
YTA. My guy, your wife isn’t upset that you let your cousin play the game. It’s that you took her completely out of the equation. How hard would it have been to consult with your wife on the initial decision to let your cousin play one of your gifts? But since you didn’t ask and went ahead and “donated” one of your gifts, you should have acted like it was YOUR gift you donated and let your wife play (i.e. steal the gift your wife wanted). Instead you stole the one YOU wanted. See what you did there? You did it twice. That is what your wife is upset about. It’s not rocket science.
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u/Whole_Bug_2960 4d ago
And this is on top of how SHE put the mental effort, time, and money into their participation! So many layers of shitty behavior here, like an onion
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u/bsjdf246 4d ago
Don't forget the reason she couldn't go to the game is because they played while she was feeding their baby.
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u/Oh-Wonderful 3d ago
How could he communicate with her when she was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY far in the other room feeding their child. How could he just walk into the other room? Don’t you know there might be wolves?!??!
YTA YTA YTA YTA and I bet all of us saying that YTA is pissing you off too.
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u/JohnGradyBirdie Partassipant [1] 4d ago
YTA. You gave away her gift when you could have given yours.
Then later you stole a gift instead of letting her decide?
Geez, do you ever think about how your wife feels?
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u/Mikey4You 4d ago
Absolutely YTA. You should have given your cousin your gift and played for your wife until she returned from FEEDING YOUR BABY, then turned it over to her to finish up.
Let’s count the ways in which you assholed:
1) Your cousin, so if you choose to surrender a gift it’s YOURS not YOUR WIFE’S 2) Your wife wasn’t and you made a decision on her behalf 3) Your wife feels disregarded because she, likely not for the first nor last time, missed out because she was engaged in child care 4) You made a second unilateral decision for the two of you when you stole the gift YOU wanted 5) She had the grace to not express her anger and disappointment in front of your family and dismissed her very valid feelings
Going forward how about you disengage from social events so to take care of your child so your wife can continue participating and make the decisions on your behalf.
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u/smallsaltybread Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4d ago
Gonna have to borrow “Let’s count the ways in which you assholed”
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u/somewhenimpossible Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Let’s not forget the part where SHE was responsible for selecting, buying, wrapping, and bringing the gifts for the game… then didn’t get to have any benefit from it :(
Like if she made a home made pizza for the two of them to share and he ate it when she went out of the room because he was hungry. Not a big deal because it was “just a pizza”.
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u/not-a-realperson 4d ago
Also did not consider that she likely picked, bought, and wrapped the gifts.
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u/PublicTrainingYVR 4d ago
YTA. I’m a pretty abrasive dick in most scenarios, and I can still agree that you’re the asshole here.
Our family does white elephant in lieu of everyone buying gifts for everyone (and insane amount of money and time wasted, just for show). So now, the “show” of gift giving is the single-gift exchange/white elephant game. On a certain level, I’m sure she was hurt because her participation in it goes beyond choosing the end gift (that she also knows can be purchased separately), but is in fact tied to the act of playing with the rest of family, and “giving/receiving” the gifts amongst eachother.
Our family waited till drinking age to let us participate in the adult’s white elephant, so we watched it as a tradition and then grew into it as our own. We’ve kept the same rules for younger cousins doing the same. Maybe this is why the mere suggestion that your young cousins would take your wife’s place (while also just… “forgetting” to bring a gift to your family Christmas party and gift exchange?) seems more of an overt transgression than you perceive.
Beyond that, your cousin seems stupid and shitty tbh, and you should start pointing that out to them before they become a stupid and shitty adult we all have to deal with because their family wouldn’t raise them right. Being 15 isn’t an excuse. Most 15yr olds through history were already leaders of household. Start asking more of your own, and you’ll get it.
Don’t reinforce laziness by bailing out an unprepared cousin with your wife’s gift and participation in Christmas tradition.
So again, yes YTA, but you’re also pretty clueless for not foreseeing this, and more-so for having to ask reddit
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u/TheMightyKoosh Partassipant [1] 4d ago
To add to the social aspect of it. If she's on maternity leave she may be massively missing out on adult social activity. This was an opportunity to do something not about the baby and he took that away from her.
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u/AnitaTacoTwo Certified Proctologist [23] 4d ago
YTA. That was YOUR gift you gave away. Not hers. She should have been the one playing, not you. Selfish much?
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u/justmeread 4d ago
Why does the excuse “it’s just a game” apply to your wife but not your cousin?
And yea, it was your cousin, your decision it should have been YOUR gift.
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u/N3ed-for-dreams 3d ago
This, and if OP "didn't care" because "it's just a game," then why didn't he keep the present his wife clearly cared about? Why chose your preference over hers, when it matter to her and not OP?
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u/randijackson949 Partassipant [2] 4d ago
YTA. "Why are you so upset that I gave up your place in the family game of Monopoly? We can buy colored money whenever we want! No, you can't have my spot; this game doesn't matter, but it's MINE!"
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u/Housing99 4d ago
YTA for a number of reasons.
Why didn’t you insist people wait for your wife to be done feeding the baby to start the game?
If you decided to give your cousin a spot, that should have been your spot. Wife did all the work, it was your decision to let him play in your place, then you didn’t let her pick the gift.
Also, the way you worded this title makes it sound SO innocent when really you’re still not taking any responsibility.
YTA.
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u/MyLifeTheSaga 4d ago
I'm disgusted with the entire family (except the wife, of course). Not one of them insisted on waiting for her to come back? YTA, all of you
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u/Foxlikebox Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 4d ago
YTA so if this is all stuff you can buy yourselves and it's just a game, why did you pick the gift you wanted instead of the one she wanted?
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u/swag-baguette 4d ago edited 4d ago
YTA, are you really confused or just trying to shift the blame? She picked out the gifts and invested the time and thought into it. She was taking care of YOUR baby and everyone started the game without her. And you just decided to give away her spot in the game. In what world are you NOT the asshole here?
I really feel this for your wife, to be treated this way especially not long after having a baby.
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u/CG_1313 4d ago
The only thing he's confused about is his own accountability. Maybe raised by one of those boy moms that breeds this kind of gross entitlement complex and leads to a lifetime of asking women that bend over backwards for him what ELSE she's bringing to the table cause it's never enough. Little princes looking to replace their weird moms ad nauseum.
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u/KadrinaOfficial Partassipant [1] 4d ago
YTA. You gave up YOUR gift/ticket to play, meaning YOU don't get to play the game. Not your wife. You were not being kind or generous by taking from someone else and giving it to another person and I am sure if someone gave away your things you'd be upset too.
Hopefully your wife can show you how she feels by regifting whatever she got you for Christmas. Maybe your cousin will enjoy it?
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u/skalnaty 3d ago
I can’t help but think that OP’s wife brought two gifts so they could participate separately because he’s probably pulled this and played selfishly when they played as a couple in the past.
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u/slamurex Partassipant [1] 4d ago
YTA to a jaw-dropping level. you gave away HER spot, when she was caring for YOUR child, in the game SHE prepared for, to help YOUR stupid cousin? If it's "just a game" why did your cousin need to play it so bad, huh? If it's "just a game" why did you NEED to get yourself a gift? This has to be rage bait, or you're the most oblivious, selfish, and asinine person alive.
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u/Low-Law602 4d ago
YTA. You definitely are.
Your wife is a woman of grace and class and you don’t deserve her. She deserves better than you.
A good grovel is in order on your part and never do something like this again.
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u/zuchinniblade 4d ago
I can’t imagine being this inconsiderate of my friends, much less the person I marry. Like damn, dude. This was fucked up. YTA
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u/YearOneTeach Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 4d ago
YTA. She’s not going to say anything at the party in front of other people and make a scene. I think that you should have kind of put two and two together and realized that she wanted to play if she is the one who picked out the gifts for the exchange in the first place. You should have sat out and given a present to your cousin, not given away your wife’s present.
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4d ago
YTA. Your wife put in all the effort to prep for the game. She wasn't there when the game started because she was BREASTFEEDING YOUR CHILD and no one (looking directly at you) thought to speak up on her behalf asking to wait to start. Instead, you GIVE AWAY her ante into the game to you airhead cousin. THEN, you further block her by choosing a gift she want interested in.
She took aaaaaaall that inconsiderate selfishness graciously, and waited until the two of you were in private to tell you how your churlish disregard made her feel, and you (checks notes) minimize the situation and invalidate her feelings.
Get your shit together, asshole. You do not deserve your wife, and you need to do a much better job of concealing that fact.
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u/NoRazzmatazz564 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4d ago
YTA. You made the decision to give up the gift which was a nice thing but YOUR decision. You should have let her play and pick what she wanted.
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u/Somewhere_in_Canada1 Partassipant [1] 4d ago
You gave away your wife’s spot in the white elephant exchange but not your own and are wondering why she is mad?
YTA
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u/MyEggDonorIsADramaQ 4d ago
There’s an article you should read OP. It’s about a guy who realized too late that all the paper cuts of disrespect will kill a marriage. This was one of those paper cuts. Even if you apologize, she will remember how you made her feel.
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u/DevonJohnsonAuthor 4d ago
Thanks for this link. Beautifully sums up why I get so irritated that my husband of 25 years doesn’t make my tea the way I like it made…. Xmas eve may not be the day to share it with him but I hope it helps him understand my feelings a little better when I do send it his way😜
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u/Homeboat199 Partassipant [2] 4d ago
YTA. She didn't say anything at the moment because she didn't want to disrupt the party. You took away her fun without even asking. You know nothing.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
[deleted]
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u/olive32022 4d ago
I was looking for this comment.
YTA, and how come NO ONE in your AH family said, “We are waiting for OP’s wife to start the game”?!?
Do you always allow your wife to be disrespected by your family? How hard would it have been to say, “Hey gang, wife put a lot of effort into this game, so let’s wait until she can play.” (Oops, silly me. You’re an AH, so you also wanted credit for finding and purchasing the gifts for YOUR family.)
I hope your wife leaves you because it’s obvious that you don’t appreciate what she does for you, nor care about her feelings. (I bet you’re one of those dads who gets mad because you’re asked to “babysit” your own child, too.)
I am so incredibly frustrated for your wife. Way to ruin her Christmas.
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u/foxhair2014 4d ago
No, he’s going to be confused and totally blindsided when she takes their child and leaves him.
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u/GinnyFromTheBlock96 4d ago
YTA And youre misleading with the title you shouldve added instead of my wife and been honest
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u/ari_352 4d ago
YTA. I was knowingly in a similar position as your wife and it still sucked. White Elephant with my husband's father's side, I bought a wrapped both gifts. Our kids are sick. So he went and we gave my gift to someone who hadn't purchased one yet so they could play.
It sucks to be excluded. You did your wife dirty. She was there, taking care of the baby. You didn't advocate for her by telling everyone to wait. You didn't talk to her before deciding to give away her spot in the game. You didn't include her in the game when she did come back into the room.
Dude.
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u/Annabel_Lee_21 4d ago
As women, how many of us are the ones in the partnership who plan and buy all the presents for the family and wrap them, and both names go on the tags.
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u/Skyward93 Partassipant [2] 4d ago
YTA-Why did you give away a gift you didn’t even contribute to? Why didn’t you ask your family to wait? Why did you feel comfortable picking a different gift from what your wife wanted when you literally did nothing for this game? You’re a massive asshole and owe your wife an apology. So does your cousin. Are you always this oblivious to her feelings? Do you think she feels great about planning and actually getting the gifts only for her husband to push her out of the game while she feeds his child?
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u/Any_Comedian2468 Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Just another example of a man taking credit for a woman’s work.
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u/ShazInCA Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Why did this kid come to you to fix the fact that he didn't have a gift to exchange? Where were his actual grown-up parents?
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u/TheMrEM4N 4d ago
Damn dude that's a dick move. You've managed to turn what was supposed to be a kind gesture into a selfish one. You get to feel generous without actually giving anything up.
"Hey babe, Joey doesnt have a white elephant gift so I'm going to give him yours. Youre fine not playing, right? Because I still want to so I'm not giving him mine."
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u/Educational-Stop8741 Partassipant [3] 4d ago
YTA
She picked out the gifts and put forth the effort. You stole her present and gave it to someone else!
If it does not matter that much, then you take care of the baby and let her play.
Most grown ass adults would not rip into their partner in front of relatives. That doesn't mean she isn't upset.
You were extremely inconsiderate of your wife who was caring for YOUR child!!
YTA!!
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u/Impossible_Balance11 4d ago
Wife's perspective, right here. (Yes, no shock, OP really is the AH).
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u/Defiant_Weakness11 3d ago
Love wife’s follow-up comment that husband was upset no one thought wife was overreacting, so he decided to post his side of the story. So, just another reason OP is an asshole (in addition to all the reasons others have already mentioned).
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u/Bunnawhat13 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4d ago
So you are saying that a room full of adults decided to start the white elephant when your wife was feeding the baby? Also you are saying instead of going to get your wife for her turn and feeding the baby you decided to give her turn away.
You wrote all this down and still don’t see how YTA?
reminds me of this
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u/Internal-Student-997 4d ago edited 4d ago
So, instead of you not playing since you gave one of the presents away (that your wife actually spent the time choosing, buying, and wrapping), you decided that she doesn't get to play. All while she was feeding your child. Classy.
If it was "just a game", why didn't you sit out?
Because you're fucking selfish and give little thought to others, that's why. And let me guess - is that cousin male? I'd bet all the money in my bank account that they are. Women do not exist to make life more comfortable and convenient for males. We aren't your unpaid support staff.
Of course YTA. Stop thinking the world is centered around you - it isn't.
Also, you should expect to buy your own gifts from now on. Somehow, I get the feeling that your wife won't be covering your ass as much anymore. You're going to have to do your own "support work" for yourself. Oh, the horror. Grow up, dude, and gain some emotional intelligence and selflessness, or you'll find you no longer have a wife.
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u/Agreeable-animal Partassipant [1] 4d ago
YTA for making your wife do all the labor and not allowing her to enjoy the benefits.
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u/Bulky-Ebb-3289 4d ago
YTA. Yeah if you’re trying to be the nice accommodating guy for your cousin you should definitely be that for your wife too. Weird you started without her, gave up her spot, and didn’t get the present she wanted all under the pretense of including others. From what you shared it’s already inconsiderate and I’m willing to bet there were other extenuating circumstances that make it even more annoying to her.
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u/CompetitiveCan8908 4d ago
YTA, wow dude. Be more considerate of your literal wife, she should come before your cousin
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u/Haunting-Reading6035 4d ago
She wanted the gift of being included, and you took it away without even asking her first. YTA.
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u/Im-Vincible 4d ago
If it was “just a game” then how come you didn’t let your little cousin take your spot instead of giving your wife’s spot to them and telling her after the fact? It’s not the gifts that’s the issue the problem is that you decided to take her out of a family event without her consent. YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE and you need to apologize.
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u/AddressPowerful516 Partassipant [1] 4d ago edited 4d ago
YTA and so is your family. They couldn't wait until your wife had rejoined the party? You didn't bother to even say anything of "I know we are excited but WIFE is feeding the baby so let's wait until she has returned." Also allowing the 15yr old to play without paying, ie bring a gift. If you wanted to allow your cousin to play you give your spot not your wife's. You better have gotten her the most amazing Christmas gifts.
To add: She didn't say anything in the moment because she shouldn't have to scold you like the selfish child you are. The audacity of excluding your wife entirely when she did all the work for it. Yikes. Also do you realize starting an argument at a party just brings it down and is so awkward for everyone else?! Pull your head out your butt and do better.
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u/LazyDare7597 4d ago
Huge YTA.
If it's no big deal why did you pick what you wanted instead of what she wanted?
She did all the work picking out both gifts
You decided to give one away, for some reason giving away hers instead of yours ??????
You pick the gift you wanted to steal instead of the one she wanted
If it's really not such a big deal why did you have to get your way at every single step?
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u/Own_Lack_4526 Professor Emeritass [86] 4d ago
YTA.
Of course she didn't say anything at the time - it was a family gathering at your parents' house and she is too nice a person to cause a scene at a holiday event.
It was her gift, she planned to take part in the game, and you let your cousin play instead of her without asking her. If you wanted to let your cousin play, you should have let him have your chance, or at the very least, have chosen the gift to steal that your wife wanted, because you took the opportunity away from her.
Doesn't matter if the gift is something you can buy any time - you took her choices away from her.
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u/MollyOMalley99 4d ago
YTA! She picked out, wrapped, and brought not one gift but two, but she got to play ZERO times because she had to feed YOUR baby and you couldn't be arsed to hold the game up for a couple minutes. You need to apologize and make that up to her big time. Her stocking needs to be full of imported chocolate and expensive sparkly things tomorrow morning. And her gifts under the tree (did you actually buy her anything, or did she shop for them too?) had better be for her and not for the baby.
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u/OnionTamer 4d ago
YTA. You didn't "let your cousin play" You let your cousin play instead of your wife. You can give up your own spot, and even play in place of your wife until she got back, but once she came back, she should have been the one to play.
What I'm saying is you can give up YOUR spot, not someone else's.
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u/Taffergirl2021 4d ago
YTA - so, you didn’t want your cousin to miss out but it was ok if your wife did? And then you dismiss her feelings? Let me give you some advice. ANYTIME your wife comes to you to talk about her feelings, shut up and listen. Just because you disagree or don’t understand, her feelings are still real and she’s giving you the opportunity to make things right. This is time to talk like mature adults and grow as a couple. It looks like you have a great wife, you need to listen to her.
If you continue to act like you did at the party and at home, you can look forward to single life.
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u/elsie78 Professor Emeritass [84] 4d ago
YTA. Why didn't you ask if they could delay the game a few minutes to allow your wife to play?
She didn't bring it up in the moment because she didn't want to cause a scene!
It doesn't matter how trivial you feel the gifts were, it's the fun of playing!
You are so dismissive of her feelings, it's pathetic. Maybe next year for Christmas she'll get a partner who values her more.
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u/whoda_thought_it 4d ago
Yes, you're a huge gaping AH. You took all of your wife's hard work and just handed it to someone else. If your cousin couldn't be bothered to bring a gift to play with, but you really really wanted him to play for some reason, you should have given him YOUR turn. Not your wife's.
And the fact that she didn't make a huge deal out of it at the time just shows that you married a woman with class, not that she wasn't upset. That's no defense at all. You owe her a MASSIVE apology and you need to seriously spend some time thinking about how many other times you've been incredibly selfish towards her, because I guarantee this isn't the first example of you giving away her hard work and her opportunities without even a second thought.
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u/Broad-Toe-6342 4d ago
Yea your more than an asshole and your hole family is inconsiderate! I wanna say worse things but can’t, go fuck your self for sure bud!
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u/SubarcticFarmer Partassipant [1] 4d ago
Yes massive YTA. Not only did you start without her, you gave away the gift it still played yourself rather than sit it out.". You didn't give up *your own chance to play but someone else's and what's worse is you don't even see why prioritizing someone else over her as well as yourself over her is a problem.
I can't even fathom thinking not only that it was ok but afterwards thinking you'd get support here for it.
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u/According-Paint6981 4d ago
So happy to see all the YTAs, moms get the short end of the stick way too often, ESPECIALLY during this time of year. I’m going to guess her stocking is empty, and OP will be just as surprised at what everyone received as a gift because he didn’t budget, shop or wrap anything because she’s sooo much better at that stuff. She’s most likely cooking the food she bought at the grocery store too.
OP, pay attention, listen to what everyone is telling you. Fill her stocking immediately, before tomorrow, and get the best version of whatever it was she wanted at the exchange. You F’d up, now go un-fu€k yourself and fix this. You have a few hours. Do better.
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u/Larsibelle 4d ago
YTA 100%. You and all of your family members that couldn’t spare a thought for your wife’s feelings. Hope you make up for it by doing something extra special for her.
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