AITAH for letting my cousin play white elephant?

[u/HedgehogFun6877]

My (30m) parents threw a Christmas party and we always play white elephant/dirty Santa. We brought two gifts for my wife (27f) and I. While my wife was feeding the baby, the game started. My little cousin said he forgot a gift so I told him he could use one of ours. When my wife came out I told her and she seemed fine and we played together. At the end I picked a different gift to steal than she wanted, but again she seemed fine. We got home and she told me she was really upset that she picked out the gifts to bring and than didn’t get a change to play. It’s just a game and she didn’t say anything in the moment so I’m confused why she’s mad now. All the gifts were just stuff that we can buy whenever. I really didn’t think she’d mind that I let my cousin play instead. AITAH?

[u/Just_Abies_57]

Yup to all of this! Also “it’s just a game” is always an interesting reply. If its just a game, then why didn’t you forfeit your turn and wait for your wife?

[u/Shutupandplayball → u/Just_Abies_57]

OP is a HUGE AH. He’s trying to justify his actions by minimizing the true impact on his wife’s feelings. This is not the first time and definitely won’t be the last!

[u/BaitedBreaths → u/Just_Abies_57]

Yeah, "it's just a game" is on par with "it was just a joke."

[u/AyHazCat → u/BaitedBreaths]

Give it a couple of years and it’ll be “I don’t get why she left me, it was just some dishes left in the sink…”

[u/Sassy-Pants_888 → u/AyHazCat]

I literally know someone who left her husband because he walked across her freshly mopped floor in disgusting work boots.

The last straw isn't what anyone would think it is. It's this inconsiderate and selfish bullshit. Take your boots off at the door or let your wife play.

[u/Trick_Horse_13 → u/Sassy-Pants_888]

Tbh I would leave someone who did that to me. I think I’d leave someone who did this to another person (like an office cleaner etc)

It’s not about the dirty boots, it’s about the complete lack of respect for the time and effort spent to clean the house. It just shows that this type of person doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t value your work.

[u/PolkaDotDancer → u/Trick_Horse_13]

This! My spouse has not a clue why I am pissed him a lot of the time.

But it is just [a little thing to him] minor detail, and you are a nit picker!

A divorce is not always one big thing but often a bunch of crushing straws.

[u/thebeaglemama → u/AyHazCat]

THIS. These are exactly the scenarios where a person is like “my spouse just left me out of nowhere, I have no idea what went wrong!”

[u/DeepValleyDrive → u/BaitedBreaths]

It's also "just a game" to the guy who put in ZERO effort to buy or wrap the gifts. My guess is that OP is one of those people who just lets his wife do all the thoughtful work around him with no regard for what she's doing. They all claim to be chill or not care about things, but they sure as hell do notice when those nice or thoughtful gestures stop.

[u/Flashy_Feeling_1110 → u/DeepValleyDrive]

someone please read this comment to my husband

[u/mydudeponch → u/Flashy_Feeling_1110]

I'll do it!

[u/mostly_lurking1040 → u/BaitedBreaths]

like telling folks "you're too sensitive". Another way of not taking responsibility for being a jerk.

[u/nursingintheshadows → u/BaitedBreaths]

Or ‘she meant nothing’. ‘It was just sex,’

[u/derpelganger → u/BaitedBreaths]

It’s just a prank, bro!

[u/dutchessmandy → u/Just_Abies_57]

Exactly! It's either a big deal or it's not, and it was clearly a big enough deal that he didn't want to forfeit his turn, but he expects her to forfeit hers, even though she's the one that put in all the legwork for the gifts.

[u/apathetichearts → u/Just_Abies_57]

EXACTLY. I love how it’s “just stuff we can buy whenever” - okay, then it should have been simple to steal what she wanted if it didn’t matter. It’s so telling that he went with the present he wanted.

[u/VehicleInevitable833 → u/Just_Abies_57]

Same with the people who cut in line…we’re all going to get to the front, what does it matter?

Welp, it can not matter for you at the back of the line!

[u/Stanced2JZ → u/Just_Abies_57]

And if it’s just “gifts we can buy ourselves”, why didn’t he let his wife chose the gift to steal and buy the other gift himself.

[u/chaicoffeecheese → u/Just_Abies_57]

Yeah, if it was 'just a game', he could have given HIS gift to his cousin and asked to wait so his wife could still play with HER gift... they had two, clearly one for each. If he's giving one away, it should be his own.

OP is definitely the AH here.

[u/floofienewfie → u/Just_Abies_57]

“It’s just a game” is right up there with “it was just a joke!”

[u/anna-the-bunny → u/Just_Abies_57]

It's only "just a game" when his wife is upset about not getting to participate - if he was being voluntold to sit out in favor of someone else, it's a tradition!

[u/[deleted] → u/Just_Abies_57]

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[u/KSknitter → u/[deleted]]

Exactly, also as a new mom you are left out of so many adult things. The girl night hang outs, the random invites for coffee, the lunches at work all become pumping sessions and "I have to care for baby" events. This was likely her "adult event" of the week... and she lost it because her husband gave it away.

Dad's never have to give them up because they are never primary in care (and with breastfeeding, they can't be... not really...)

Dad was major asshat

[u/3secondcountdown → u/KSknitter]

Absolutely! I’ve been there and I still see it. Mom handles everything baby-related (packing everything, carrying the baby, soothing the baby, feeding the baby). Dad doesn’t see it because she’s managing it. Constantly. All she wanted was to participate like everybody else and he couldn’t let it happen. It’s inconsiderate and it absolutely builds resentment. He doesn’t even see it.

[u/notanonymo → u/KSknitter]

Yes, i came to see if anyone touched on this. Idk how old baby is but as a pregnant mom myself who is in therapy, it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to him, but to a post-partum woman who is always putting herself last to meet everyone else's needs first, it hurts extra when you are so blatantly disregarded in a more obvious way.

[u/[deleted] → u/KSknitter]

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[u/KSknitter → u/[deleted]]

Right.

I like to compare having a new baby to getting divorced.

Like all the women in that ladies' life act like babies are a catching illness and will totally reject her. I lost so many friends in both giving birth and my divorce.

The 1st time, it was like, "Hey, you don't have free time, so I am ghosting you..."

The divorce was more, "Well, I don't want my husband tempted by you, so we need some space." And yes, I was told that by multiple friends...

[u/LucindaMorgan → u/Just_Abies_57]

It’s a horrible game the way most people play it. I have been swept away by the greed that the game fosters, and it brings me shame every time I think of it. It is a perfect example of all that is wrong with Christmas. I refuse to participate when people play it.