r/Unclejokes 10d ago

What do you call a hooker willing to try anything?

185 Upvotes

An adjustable wench


r/Unclejokes 11d ago

Why do they have rectal thermometers but not vaginal thermometers?

194 Upvotes

What if you have beaver fever?


r/Unclejokes 11d ago

I've had the shits for the entire Christmas season.

133 Upvotes

Thank God they go back to school next week!


r/Unclejokes 11d ago

I will be doing the new years eve countdown on the toilet.

58 Upvotes

Same shit, different year.


r/Unclejokes 11d ago

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

104 Upvotes

Eating amanda-out


r/Unclejokes 10d ago

After being rejected the approval of her dad to play with a group of teens three times her age, I could hear my niece shouting from across the park, "my daddy won't let me play with the other boys!"

0 Upvotes

My wife smirked and claimed, "yeah, mine won't either."


r/Unclejokes 12d ago

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…

212 Upvotes

…but I was in Daniel.


r/Unclejokes 13d ago

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

131 Upvotes

You know...heroin.


r/Unclejokes 13d ago

What do you call someone who runs from Jeffrey Dahmer?

78 Upvotes

Fast Food


r/Unclejokes 13d ago

Meeting a girl in the park is good

59 Upvotes

But parking your meat in a girl is better


r/Unclejokes 13d ago

My favorite memory of my grandfather was making sandcastles with him

58 Upvotes

Until my mother took his ashes away.


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

What do you call someone who studies boobs all day?

142 Upvotes

A scientits


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane...

189 Upvotes

....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

Elton John is great on the piano

113 Upvotes

But he sucks on the organ


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

67 Upvotes

It runs in yours jeans


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

Kidneys

32 Upvotes

A lot of people don’t know that you are actually born with four kidneys, and as you grow up, two of them become adult knees.


r/Unclejokes 14d ago

Did you hear about the Tempura House?

51 Upvotes

It's a shelter for lightly battered women


r/Unclejokes 15d ago

Why didn't Santa come this year?

29 Upvotes

Impotence.


r/Unclejokes 16d ago

Q: Who is brave?

48 Upvotes

A: He who has diarrhea and wants to fart!


r/Unclejokes 17d ago

What did the Mother say to the paedophile at the beach?

157 Upvotes

Hey, would you mind getting out of my sun.


r/Unclejokes 16d ago

Today is the day I started breathing and Im still addicted to it. Any help to quit?

9 Upvotes

And yes today is my birthday!


r/Unclejokes 17d ago

What’s the difference between Jews and Eskimos?

173 Upvotes

Eskimos are God’s FROZEN people.

Happy Hanukkah


r/Unclejokes 17d ago

The joys of fishing.

71 Upvotes

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend is fucked, perhaps you should go fishing.


r/Unclejokes 17d ago

What do you call a movie where the protagonist thinks about replacing butter with margarine in a sexual way? (kind of both a dad joke and an uncle joke ig)

7 Upvotes

An Adult-Rated Adulterated movie.


r/Unclejokes 17d ago

What do Santa Claus and Michael Jackson have in common?

73 Upvotes

They both enter little boys' bedrooms to empty their sacks.*

*allegedly