r/Stoicism • u/Dapper-Scholar-7025 • 2d ago
I choose to not be bitter. Stoicism in Practice
I'm in heartache right now, the person that I'ved loved for so long is now in a relationship with another person, also a friend of mine. But through the fog of pain I'm pushing through it and choosing not to be bitter or angry at them or at the world for not being with the person that I want to be with. I recognjze that it's not anyone's fault, these are just the circumstances of life right now. I'm in pain but I'm actively choosing to still be a good person.
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u/Mission_Total_2551 2d ago
I feel that once you take a deep dive into the teachings of stoicism, you’ll realise your life is much more than just one person. I’m going through the exact same thing, and i feel that the moment you accept that is out of your control and that you only control your actions, you’ll be in a better place. Keep going champ, you are on the right path. 🫡
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u/Mastershiz1999 2d ago
I learnt that no matter how much undeserved suffering comes in our way, we must do good as that is the right choice
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u/Midwest_Kingpin 2d ago
Not accurate
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u/Mastershiz1999 2d ago
How so?
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u/Midwest_Kingpin 2d ago
What determines whether suffering is deserved or undeserved, our own preconceived notion?
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u/Mastershiz1999 2d ago
While the concept of ‘deserved’ or ‘undeserved’ suffering might be subjective, the original point stands: regardless of the nature or perception of suffering, choosing to do good is universally recognized as a positive and moral response. The focus isn’t on labeling suffering but on our reaction to it.
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u/Midwest_Kingpin 2d ago
However, if the suffering is deserved then doing good to those who deserve to suffer is a unvirtuous response.
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u/Gowor Contributor 2d ago
For the sake of the discussion suppose we have a person that we agreed deserves to suffer and the fact that they are suffering is just. What would "doing good to them" look like then?
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u/Midwest_Kingpin 1d ago
Making them not suffer
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u/poop-poop1234 1d ago
this is admirable 🤍 my own relationship is in limbo right now and i’m trying to remind myself that he deserves so much happiness, and that might not be with me. it hurts like hell, but my heart feels kind
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u/ArugulaNo7685 2d ago
I am in a similar situation, which is why i started studying stoicism, I was getting bitter, but I don't want to be
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u/AlienCommander 2d ago
I choose to not be bitter.
A wise choice.
If not this particular boy; then another.
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u/nikostiskallipolis 1d ago
What is outside your power is the work of fate and fate is not your enemy.
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u/Thumper256 2d ago edited 2d ago
Open your eyes - they aren’t the person you thought they were and are still making them out to be. Might be why they moved on??
Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.
You can’t control another person’s behavior or desires. They did you a favor. Time to move on. Be your best self, and someone genuine will come along.
You’ll get there - turn choosing “to not be” something - in your case “bitter” as stated in your post title - into choosing “to be” something. Do some positive reframing of how you are looking at this. Try being exhilarated to take deep fresh breaths, and look forward to the experiences each day can bring now that your eyes are opened.
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u/birdzeyeview 1d ago
Nick Cave and his wife Susie lost a 15 year old son under horrific circumstances. He said that at some point he and Susie just decided, or chose (i forget the exact wording) to be happy regardless. I found this very powerful.
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u/AdAcceptable7333 1d ago
That's quite impressive! I am in a similar situation and have to admit I kind of failed at that for the past period but I'm trying to do better now. Your decision is pretty inspiring to hear right now, thanks for that!
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u/MountainT2023 1d ago
I think you're taking the right approach, but don't underestimate your emotions on this matter. It sounds like you feel that some level of dishonesty or wrong has been done to you; of course, only you and the parties involved would know the situation and all the details. That kind of feeling, displaced or suppressed, can erupt when you least expect it. Continue doing what you're doing, but also seek out counseling if you find the hurt or anger persisting. We can choose many things, but we can't simply choose to turn emotions on or off like a switch. Best of luck and keep strong!
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u/Key_Read_1174 3h ago
You need to grieve your major loss. Pent-up feelings will make you sick as well as prevent healing. "To get to the other side, you must first go through the eye of the storm." Stoicism is not a healing technique or cure for a broken heart. Learn how to grieve & its benefits. (((HUGS)))
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u/rose_reader trustworthy/πιστήν 2d ago
Consider the possibility that this is an actively good thing for you.
Why do we fall in love? Because there is a deep connection that runs both ways, a pull towards each other experienced by both people. This girl doesn’t feel that for you, so it’s very much to your benefit that she is open and clear about the fact.
When you experience mutual love, you will never be inclined to settle for the one sided kind again.
This girl isn’t the right person for you, and she’s made that clear which frees you to find the person who IS right for you. This is a very good thing.