I had my heart absolutely broken by the person I thought I was supposed to be with (this is in my late 20s so it certainly felt a bit more powerful in the moment). I ended up building one of those nitrogen set ups with the turkey bag. I started the gas and sat in my bed listening to a playlist of my favorite artists, and... nothing. I don't really remember if I ever passed out or if I was just in a weird mental state, but when I "came to" i was fine, if a bit dazed. I had no idea why it didn't work, but when I checked the bag, I saw a big hole and teeth marks. My cat, at some point between me making the bag and using it, had been playing with it in my closet. I'd love to think he was trying to stop me, but he probably just liked the way chewing on it felt. He has ruined MANY bags this way lol. I immediately went to the store to make another one, but on the way there I realized I'd have no way of really saying goodbye to my cat. He'd wonder where I was and what I was doing for the rest of his life. I couldn't stand that thought. I also realized that if I'm at the stage of my life where I'm willing to die, I might as well take some risks with my life. I made a big move to a new state, and over the past 3 years I've found a community that I love and an environment I thrive in. I met a girl and we've been together for a few years now. We have a dog and two cats, one of which is the boy that saved my life. It's a really annoyingly cheesy saying, but "this too shall pass" really applies here.
:EDIT: First off, sorry for the typos, was on my phone when I commented. Fixed what I saw. Secondly, I promise I'll reply to some of the direct messages in a bit, finishing with some work. Thank you for all the support, and for those who mentioned that this comment has helped you in any way, you are fucking awesome and are a net positive in the world regardless of what others have led you to believe. There is beauty in the world and peace of mind, even if it takes a change in environment and perspective to find it Keep on living and I know it seems lame but "this too shall pass." Also I'm not trying to come off as a life guru, I still have my bad days and make mistakes, but overall I promise you, it will get better.
I tried to take a bunch of psychiatric medication, 150-200 pills, they were less regulated 11 years ago. Walked outside, it was a beautiful day. 7 minutes I’m having instant remorse calling for help and in shock. I did not get kidney or organ damage. Got a catheter (fellas, not it) and fed charcoal. In ICU. Then to a ward. I’ve had thoughts after that but last year for myself I started to say “My life is not mine to take.”
This is an idea that has kept me going at times. My form of it was, if I was thinking of killing myself, I might as well do literally anything else. Drive (from the Pacific Northwest) to the southern tip of South America? Sure, might as well try it. Take one of those high-fatality jobs like changing light bulbs hundreds of feet up? Why not?
I'm so, so glad I finally started taking antidepressants.
No. Those were extreme examples I came up with, kind of intentionally outside the range of what I'd normally consider doing just to make a point to myself. I've traveled a lot but nowhere terribly dangerous.
As someone going through a divorce that I didn’t even want because I loved him (and still do) with every fiber in my being, it’s refreshing to hear that the pain might stop eventually. Without dying to make it stop.
I’m in the same boat. My wife has ripped my heart out and she is completely stonewalling me. We really didn’t have that bad of a marriage just hit a rough patch where communication broke down. Sometimes I wish one of us cheated. It would make it easier to accept. I feel physical pain from this and I am trying really hard to not think about suicide. I didn’t even know I could feel this way. Sorry for this word vomit. My point is that we can do it. Time will help and we’ll be happy again. Keep your head up
I am in your same situation right now. My wife and I have 4 kids under the age of 9 and the youngest are 4 year old twins. We've had struggles yes and it hasn't been easy but nothing good is easy. I lied in the past about drinking and I feel terrbile about it, I have apologized but its like she's done with me. Like im replaceable like an old vacuum. We started a family, I got a taste of what having a family is like and its about to be over if she ultimately decides to divorce. I feel for you, worst pain I've ever felt and we aren't even officially divorced.
Im really sorry to hear of your grief, I know how bad love hurt can be to the point that it physically hurts in the heart and / or the head.
Not sure if this will help but I saw a very good analogy to psychological pain once:
Imagine a box looking into it from the top. In the box are loads of pingpong balls flying around at high speed. Everytime a pingpong ball hits a side wall of the box it hurts. This is the hurt you feel.
It may never totally go away however, in time, the speed of the balls will get slower, and the number of balls themselves will reduce, so therefore the number of times a ball hits the sides of the box over a given timeperiod, will reduce as well.
Therefore, the number of times you will feel hurt over a given timeperiod will reduce as well over time.
Finally, after a longer time (maybe months, maybe years) a few very slow balls will be left in the box. And they will, from time to time, still hurt when they hit the side of the box.
I always thought this is a very good analogy of whats going on. And yes, I'm older now (60+) and also I still have at least one slow ball in my box from a heartbreak in my teens.
Humans are designed to level themselves, and strive to get better. It’s why when you were on top, you would always need a little more. And when you were down, you always came back up. You will level out. It will happen. Everybody told me to get a hobby, but after I got my own place I just sat in the pain. Felt like shit. Didn’t really do anything. But then, slowly, I stared doing things. I realized the things I was doing were the things I wanted to do. I’d recommend a friend and a therapist at least. The friend will be on your side. The therapist will watch over you then help you move on when it’s time. Good luck. Most married couples get divorced. Everyone else made it through. You will too. I promise.
I’m so sorry, I too am in the same boat. Googled how to kill myself for the first time ever last night. I’m so ashamed of myself and so devastated about the loss of my marriage that I almost feel as though I’m too ashamed to kill myself, but I’m also too ashamed to stay alive. I just want to run away from everyone I know for a while so that I don’t have to tell anyone or feel completely overwhelmed by everything. But I’m bankrupt from what he’s done to me so I can’t even do that. This is the first time in my life where I can honestly say that I hope something else out of my control just takes me out so that I don’t have to think, be responsible or make any bad decisions anymore. This is horrible, I’m so lost without the man I truly thought was my best friend.
It will get better. I was in a relationship with my “soulmate”- we swore we were connected on a higher plane.
It ended - had to. I moved over an hour away back near my home. It was awful. I had trouble finding a job, could barely pay rent, and didn’t know what to do once I didn’t even have enough money for weed or alcohol to help numb the pain.
There was no way I saw that pain ever subsiding.
But it fucking did. Took a while and took some major steps from myself, but it did stop.
It will go away - you will love someone else someday the way you love this person. That is possible. I didn’t think it was. But I’m married 15 years now to someone who made me so much happier.
My wife decided to divorce me after I broke my spine permanently when I got hit driving to the airport. She's also trying to get money out of me. The betrayal is unbelievable. The pain gets better, but I don't know if it ever truly goes away completely.
I'm not convinced the pain ever really stops (though admittedly, I'm sure experiences differ depending on the people and the relationship), but it definitely gets quieter and quieter until eventually you can't hear it at all unless you are listening for it.
It does, but it's like a physical wound. It's not going to heal overnight. There are things you can do to take care of yourself to help it heal faster, and there are things you can do that would prolong the healing processes. But like with a deep cut, it takes time to heal and there may be scar tissue when you're done.
It's going to suck today, and tomorrow, and probably the next day. And there will be days that will be easier, just like there may be days that are harder. The really wild thing is you're not going to know the day you're finally over them because it won't be a big momentous event. It will just be another day, maybe you'll be out with your new partner doing something fun, making new memories, living your life. But you won't be thinking about your ex anymore and you won't be hurting. Then when you eventually see something that reminds you of them you'll have a moment of realization that you actually haven't thought of them for a while. And even though you're reminded of them again the memory is no longer a sharp stabbing pain in your heart, it will be more like remembering a childhood injury. Yeah, it hurt at the time but you're better now, you're healed.
That pain will never go away but it will not be as sharp as it is now. And yes I can say a broken heart hurts so bad. I had one after my husband of 51 years, my high school sweetheart, passed with lung cancer. That pain was so bad I ceased to exist. Then my sons came to me in such emotional pain because they said they felt like they lost us both that morning their Father died. And I began to rebuild my life. I now have 2 great grandchildren. And even at 75. I have found a special relationship. I pray you find someone who deserves you and gives you happiness.
I went through a divorce and you will get through it. And it's very likely that when you stabilize you will find yourself happier than you ever would have been if you had stayed on that path. It takes time and comes in waves but you will come through it and be great. *hugs*
I didn't believe ANYONE when they told me I'd feel better, and I'd be lying if I said it never hurts any more wondering what could have been. Eventually I went a few hours without thinking about her, then a few days, etc. I got closure by accepting she'd never give me closure, and I put my mind towards exploring subjects I'd always enjoyed and throwing myself into new hobbies (climbing really helped). I am so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it, even if there's a part of you that feels you might.
I always think about this quote from Mike from "Better call Saul" when asked how he copes and it goes
"One day, you're gonna wake up, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, go about your business. And sooner or later, you're gonna realize you haven't thought about it. None of it. And that's the moment you realize you can forget."
I've been there, and it's true, time heals all wounds.
i’m so sorry you were at such a low that you felt this way. i’m glad you’re not experiencing that anymore.
i’m glad your cat saved your life, even if he wasn’t aware that’s what he was doing. i’m glad you love you cat enough that you don’t want him to ever feel lonely or confused.
i’m glad you healed from your heartbreak. i’m glad you fell in love again.
the whole “not caring about life so might as well take some risks” mindset is incredible—i may just have to steal that one.
Thank you so much for the kind words. They say the sort of deep hurts like break ups never really go away, but come in waves that get smaller over time. I think I resonate with that idea. Steal that idea! Ideas should be free any way hehe. I wish you the best as well!
Im a nobody but im fucking sobbing. I’m actually fucking sobbing dude.
I’m 30 and am going through the absolute worst break up of my entire life. Moved across the country for this person, got a ring and planned a wedding, just for it to all fall apart. No exaggeration when I say no friends and family, all I have is my dog. I was going through this thread thinking damn, no one has the plan I have, as I had also planned for the nitrogen/helium method and had planned out ways to make sure my dog was taken care of and no one would find me in that state.
But I’m…….. I’m fucking crying, man. If not only for my dog, who would wonder what happened to me for the rest of her sweet little life. Why I never came back. Of course my family would have been sad, but I had a plan to explain it all and say it’s not their fault and to live on. How could I have done that to my dog, who has been there for me every time I’ve cried and mourned for something better?
Jesus fuck. Jesus fucking fuck. I came into this thread feeling cocky and arrogant as hell, thinking nothing could stop me. Your comment might have just saved me and I’m not even joking. Jesus. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to go hug my dog a little tighter.
You are a somebody to that dog!!! I also had written notes to each of my family members, but I think they'd still feel guilty just because that seems to be human nature. Give that dog a big ol' squeeze for me!!!! Sending love to you internet friend.
Wow - my cat saved me too. I was in the bag, laying on my bed thinking this was going to be it. My cat jumped up and looked at me like “what the fuck are you doing?” I got out thinking, “yeah you’re right.” I’ll never forget his face.
It's crazy how much those silly little furballs can impact us even if they don't know it. Honestly maybe that is part of their charm. So glad you're here today friend!!!
hey man i know this is kinda off topic and you don’t need to answer but lately i have been struggling with some issues regarding death, my mind goes back and forth between accepting it and not, so i thought id ask how do you manage that and how do you look at it i guess? now that you’re in a good spot in life have you changed your mindset on death?
Hey no worries! It's something I think about more and more as I get older. I don't know if there's anything after death, or if my atoms will just get recycled and help contribute to more life in the future. All I can do is enjoy the time I have to the extent I can so that when the end comes I won't feel so much regret at having wasted so much time. I've made a family out of my friends and community, and I hope when the end comes I've built that family up enough so that I have some friendly faces to fall asleep to.
hey thanks so much for the reply, you worded that very well and that is essentially what everyone has been telling me but for some reason my mind keeps making it into a sad thing, like because you love life so much and are enjoying it so much it almost makes it harder to leave it? idk i’m just rambling but i think that’s my mind doing that to me which is why im going to see a therapist, but most people from near death experiences, even people who were announced clinically dead and were revived said that they never felt any worry, only peace, which makes me feel better and then obviously after that we will never know until we get there but i look at it as the next stage of journey that is life
sitting here sobbing at these comments but this one broke something in my brain and put a lot of things i’ve been feeling lately into perspective. thank you so much for sharing.
When I was a teenager, I thought of suicide often. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of leaving my dog behind. I was her everything, and she was mine. I’m only here today because of her. I’ve had thoughts of killing myself over the years since, not quite as seriously, and it was always the idea of hurting my animals that made me go on. I committed a gesture over three years ago, after taking a handful, maybe 8, of sleeping pills, I immediately tried to vomit it up because I realized what it would do to my grown children. I too realized after that I needed to take total control of my life and do the things I had always wanted to do. I’ve been doing that since.
That's really inspiring and thank you for sharing your story. It's that kind of love that keeps me going, and I try and spread it as much as I can! Keep on keeping on friend!!!
Totally feel you. I have bipolar disorder so when I’m deep in a depressive episode I get very suicidal. But what keep me from staying every time is my poor cats who have and do bring so much joy and they wouldn’t understand anything that’s going apart from the fact I’m dead. The absolute trauma for them and cats feel grief very deeply too. My first cat and my second cat and I have such a super strong bond. My second cat was rehomed 2 times before being with me, I couldn’t make her go through that, she’d be so miserable to lose her cat parents a third time. My parents and my husband also kinda prevent me from doing it but more so my second cat ( first cat joined the rainbow bridge).
Hang in there, big hugs 🫂
Yeah, it will unfortunately stick around for a bit. I ended up joining a climbing gym and just working out until my body was at the brink of exhaustion. It seemed like the only way I could get sleep without tossing and turning and crying and dry-heaving. Wishing you a quick recovery and love friend.
Super story thanks for sharing! And now you know why that specific cat was destined for you. We have had many cats. They chew everything but not plastic bags. Never saw that one.
I also realized that if I'm at the stage of my life where I'm willing to die, I might as well take some risks with my life.
This is the best way of looking at it, IMO. If you're willing to take the extreme measure of killing yourself, at least try some slightly less extreme measures first. Move to a new place, switch to a new career, join the Ukrainian army, gun down a healthcare CEO, whatever. (/s, probably)
Haha yeah. my late 20's tbf but I certainly overreacted. Made me realize that I felt like losing her was like losing the only good thing in my life, so I've endeavored to improve the aspects of my life that I had grown to resent. Much love and I hope you're doing well stranger.
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u/Teh_Pagemaster 1d ago edited 1d ago
I had my heart absolutely broken by the person I thought I was supposed to be with (this is in my late 20s so it certainly felt a bit more powerful in the moment). I ended up building one of those nitrogen set ups with the turkey bag. I started the gas and sat in my bed listening to a playlist of my favorite artists, and... nothing. I don't really remember if I ever passed out or if I was just in a weird mental state, but when I "came to" i was fine, if a bit dazed. I had no idea why it didn't work, but when I checked the bag, I saw a big hole and teeth marks. My cat, at some point between me making the bag and using it, had been playing with it in my closet. I'd love to think he was trying to stop me, but he probably just liked the way chewing on it felt. He has ruined MANY bags this way lol. I immediately went to the store to make another one, but on the way there I realized I'd have no way of really saying goodbye to my cat. He'd wonder where I was and what I was doing for the rest of his life. I couldn't stand that thought. I also realized that if I'm at the stage of my life where I'm willing to die, I might as well take some risks with my life. I made a big move to a new state, and over the past 3 years I've found a community that I love and an environment I thrive in. I met a girl and we've been together for a few years now. We have a dog and two cats, one of which is the boy that saved my life. It's a really annoyingly cheesy saying, but "this too shall pass" really applies here.
:EDIT: First off, sorry for the typos, was on my phone when I commented. Fixed what I saw. Secondly, I promise I'll reply to some of the direct messages in a bit, finishing with some work. Thank you for all the support, and for those who mentioned that this comment has helped you in any way, you are fucking awesome and are a net positive in the world regardless of what others have led you to believe. There is beauty in the world and peace of mind, even if it takes a change in environment and perspective to find it Keep on living and I know it seems lame but "this too shall pass." Also I'm not trying to come off as a life guru, I still have my bad days and make mistakes, but overall I promise you, it will get better.