Parents cleaned my tanks without asking :/

[u/Main_Initial_7118]

Came home today to this. First pic is what they put the fish in for god knows how long, last pic is my tank before they cleaned it. They told me it was bc my room looked “messy”. They are old so I don’t blame them…. But damn…

[u/dougjayc]

"dear parents,

While I appreciate you and the effort you put in to cleaning my room, I've put a lot of effort and research into this aquarium. Aquariums are an ecosystem and they rely on ecological services which are provided by microorganisms and plants and the health of my fish can be impacted by changes to the ecosystem. Changes such as thorough cleaning.

I am concerned for the welfare of my fish and I am hurt that this happened without my knowledge. It would have been nice if you were more communicative about your feelings towards my room and fish tank and more communicative about the actions you intended to perform.

Please discuss this sort of thing with me next time, so we could have mutually worked out an agreement."

Whatever you choose to tell them, consider using "I" statements and making it about you, rather than "you statements," which people naturally react to as an attack, and attack back accordingly.

[u/dougjayc → u/[deleted]]

Yes parents, like youth, have defense mechanisms to protect themselves and rationalize their actions.

If your parents are the type that will deliberately and intentionally harm you, the following advice won't apply. And I'm sorry if that's the case.

Otherwise, you tell them their actions hurt you. You were hurt.

And their defense mechanisms will kick in and they will tell you things of the sort, like that you're ungrateful or soft, and they say those things to protect themselves.

And then you can repeat, you were hurt.

And they may not show it but that's one of the worst things a caring parent can hear. And it will chew them up inside.

Because your feelings matter.

[u/Halospite → u/dougjayc]

And they may not show it but that's one of the worst things a caring parent can hear.

I don't like this comment. Phrasing it like that makes it sound like abusive parents are abusive, dismissive and belittling because deep down they care. That's a really toxic idea that enables the parent and further increases the harm on the child. The problem isn't whether or not they care, it's that they care more about their own feelings than the impact their behaviour has on the child.

[u/dougjayc → u/Halospite]

"if your parents are the type that will deliberately and intentionally harm you, the following advice won't apply."

[u/Halospite → u/dougjayc]

Apologies, I missed that.

[u/dougjayc → u/Halospite]

Nw. It was certainly a very emotionally charged statement. (Mine)

And a good message of people to see yours

[u/Halospite → u/dougjayc]

You're very kind. 💜