r/nottheonion • u/Brilliant_Diet_2958 • 16h ago

Md. man charged after pouring whiskey into holy water during Christmas Eve service, deputies say

https://wtop.com/maryland/2024/12/md-man-charged-after-pouring-whiskey-into-holy-water-during-christmas-eve-service-deputies-say/
205 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

46

u/Brilliant_Diet_2958 16h ago

Bonus:

First, just after 5 p.m., the sheriff’s office said Von Goetz entered Holy Angels Catholic Church during mass, approached the altar and dropped an onion in the aisle. The sheriff’s office also said Von Goetz was disturbing the peace of those in attendance.

A congregant then escorted him out of the church, but Von Goetz was equipped with even more produce, and he was prepared to use it, according to deputies.

Outside, Von Goetz threw tangerines at the congregant, which the sheriff’s office said amounted to assault.

26

u/tmphaedrus13 15h ago

The onion probably fell off of his belt, which was the style at the time.

21

u/That_Which_Lurks 16h ago

Lol, literally the onion

5

u/Hazrd_Design 15h ago

See, he messed up by not yelling “food fight” before throwing produce.

3

u/just_nobodys_opinion 14h ago

Rules are rules

2

u/UAreTheHippopotamus 15h ago

"Outside, Von Goetz threw tangerines at the congregant, which the sheriff’s office said amounted to assault."

Ridiculous. The sheriff has been watching too much Monty Python. Next thing you know kids throwing paper airplanes will be charged with felonies because the sharp noses of the planes could poke someone's eye.

6

u/Philosopherski 14h ago

I remember in school they had a cop show up to tell us that throwing snowballs regardless of their density is assault. And the same people wonder why kids don't play outside anymore

1

u/AwYeahQueerShit 10h ago

Tangerines may seem like nothing, but they're a gateway to banana violence

1

u/geneticeffects 14h ago

Teach a man to catch a tangerine yada yada yada…

1

u/ReallyGottaTakeAPiss 11h ago

If the author doesn’t get a raise for the writing in this article, I think people will riot.

44

u/U_Bet_Im_Interested 16h ago

I SAY, WHERE IS THE CRIME?!

23

u/damnburglar 15h ago

Can a man not enjoy a succulent Irish baptism?

5

u/Lumpy_Branch_4835 15h ago

The old line is "if you find four catholics you'll always find a fifth".

3

u/The_BarroomHero 14h ago

I wish that were the case. One side of my family is a bunch of sober catholics, and they're the most miserable, judgemental people.

2

u/Lumpy_Branch_4835 14h ago

We were a large Irish Catholic bunch. So there's that.

36

u/Rojixus 16h ago

The man just wanted to share the Holy Spirit!

6

u/graveybrains 15h ago

And there was much holy rolling and glosolalia in church that night, I can tell you!

2

u/Own-Ambassador-3537 15h ago

The Holy Spirit on scene was asked its opinion and it was quoted “ hiccup”

15

u/omgFWTbear 15h ago

When the pastor says, “may the spirit be with you,” and you’re supposed to respond, “and also with you,” this is not what they mean.

4

u/bilateralrope 15h ago

It's water into wine. Not whiskey into water.

1

u/just_nobodys_opinion 14h ago

Potayto - potahto...

4

u/GoldenGMiller 15h ago

Stupid. You don't even drink holy water so who cares

2

u/pezx 14h ago

Old fashioned holy water

2

u/NAZRADATH 15h ago

This man is my spirit animal.

1

u/Aggressive_Suit_7957 15h ago

So charge him but not the pedo priests. Make sense.

1

u/18114 16h ago

Good idea.

1

u/BPhiloSkinner 15h ago

♪ "Come day, go day
Wish in me heart it was Sunday
Drinking buttermilk all the week,
And a whiskey on a Sunday" ♫ -Glynn Hughes. (recorded by Danny Doyle, The Irish Rovers, The Dubliners and others.)

1

u/GR1ML0C51 15h ago

With what? A corking fee?

1

u/bud_4z0 15h ago

Watering down good whiskey should be a crime

1

u/Squire_LaughALot 11h ago

Question: did he first say Cheers? or Hail Mary before pouring it?

1

u/ZeusHatesTrees 15h ago

Reposting is against the subs rules, btw.

1

u/Ok-Improvement-3670 15h ago

He was just making it more holy.

0

u/Tha_Watcher 12h ago

That sounds rather whiskey! 😉

0

u/kyleclements 10h ago

Didn't one of the main characters in Christianity go around turning water into booze?   Why would they have a problem with this?