"Do you ever talk with your birth parents/siblings?"
"Nope."
"Oh, why not? Don't you want to talk to them? They are your family."
"If they were your family, you wouldn't talk to them either." uncomfortable silence
It's so tempting to just make up stuff so they quit asking about it.
I'm a fairly curious person and I try not to intrude but I do get why people ask but jeez does it get old quick.
I used to be like that, as I'm super close with my family. I was astonished when my ex told me that he didn't talk to his family much. I thought he was just being an ass.
Then I met his family, and everything made sense. And then I told my mom about it, and my mom made extra sure that he always got gifts from them on holidays, and threw us a huge going away party when we moved cross country (compared to his own parents who did jack shit but make him feel guilty for moving).
I had a kind of passive acceptance of his parents being assholes until they decided to include me in their assiness. I helped out during a wake of one of the grandparents, always made effort to stop by when I was in their part of the state, and genuinely tried to connect with them.
Then his dad once asked if I was his "roommate" (we'd been together a few years at that point). After that, I never made any extra effort to try and find the good in those people. They treated their son like shit, and he had every right to not talk to them.
It honestly goes both ways too. For the longest time, I didn't understand that there were in fact, biological families out there who were all happy, decent people who communicated with one another willingly and happily about important issues and solved problems together.
But it sounds like you did the best possible thing you and your family could have and really understand what these people were like once you saw them in action, so kudos to you.
I do my best to not get frustrated with people but it's amazing how some don't ever try to even accept that other people have different sorts of family structures.
It's like trying to explain '1+1=2' to someone in a different room wearing headphones and a blindfold.
Typically that gets followed with lots of probing follow-up questions about the nitty-gritty details, not uncomfortable silence, unfortunately. It makes people too curious.
I don't really have a good reason. I just was never close to my brother. There was no event that triggered it, but we haven't really talked since we were about 11/12 years old. People think that's way weirder than if we were distant because he slept with my girlfriend or I stole money from him or something.
I've got relatives like that and it would so much easier to lie or make something up instead of trying to explain it.
'Oh, do you see so-and-so much?'
'We don't really talk to them.'
'Really?' Nope, I'm a filthy liar and we get together for BBQ and golf every weekend.
It's usually only uncomfortable if they try to convince me in that 'they're family, you should love them!' way without knowing the details as opposed to someone asking to understand the situation.
If they try to use the 'doesn't matter what happened, they share the same DNA you have to love them', the uncomfortable silence is pretty inevitable.
then the silence is totally ok right? It's when they open up their mouth that things become awkward. If I lay down a very important truth on anything, I expect there to be silence as the person considers it.
It's fine then. It's the difference between trying to tell someone you have a headache after hitting your head and them asking why and offering you an aspirin vs. them denying the headache exists and that you should eat more seafood.
There's better metaphors out there but it's the best I can do right now.
Actually you don't really knock that. Because you are you based on your situational learning and experiences. But they might very well be a different person based on the same things. So maybe they would.
The typical counter to anyone saying they don't want to interact with their family is that if they spent as much time repairing relationships as they did bitching about them that they'd be happier.
I still can't believe that people who know my mother and agree with me on all points about her still say, "But she's your mother!" when they hear that I've shut her out of my life. Like damn, I didn't choose the woman, why should I be stuck with crazy for life?
I hate that you're supposed to automatically love people because you happen to be blood related to them. Why? You know, there are people who say stuff like "Oh, he's an asshole but he's my cousin so I have to love him". Uh, no you don't. If he's a piece of shit then you are not obligated to love him. Some people have the idea that if you had to save the life of an acquaintance who you know to be a good person, or a family member who's a downright shitty excuse for a human being, then you have to choose your family member just because. Fuck that. This isn't a personal rant, I can't think of any family members that I really don't like, but I don't think I should be obligated to love or like them.
"Cuz I'm your father!" That phrase has been repeated time after time to me and my dad has been trying to keep me on a leash and have fearful respect of him the way his dad did to him, but I refuse to be a part of the chain
I haven't seen my biodad since I was a toddler, he moved to the other side of the country when my mom and him divorced and he doesn't send any money to help despite the fact that he's legally obligated to. I also have two half brothers that I have only seen when I was a small child and I don't know where they are. I can't say I care for any of them. One time when leaving my grandma's house he called (probably demanding money from her), me, my mom, and my siblings all left without caring.
"Some fathers do not earn the love of their sons." -Herschel Greene, TWD
Yep. Now, I love my dad. My dad is the bomb. However, replace those nouns with their female equivalents, and you have my response to anyone who thinks they're being reasonable.
In the movie "Into the Wild," the main character keeps getting asked if he plans on returning to his parents or if his family knows that he's doing a cross-country hike to Alaska. He never answers a single one of them. I found it annoying. He was abused by his dad and his mother was practically beaten into submission, but he never explains this. He just lets people keep thinking that he left a family that loves him more than the world and would die to get him back. He never tells any of the people he meets that he's running away, just that he's on a trip.
Especially if youve had a horrible relationship or falling out with a family member. Just cuz theyre your parents doesn't mean they love you. A lot of parents are horrible, neglectful people who see their children as burdens or whatever. Why should people who've been victim of assholes have to be pressured to forgive their abusers?
Sadly, some of us learned the hard way to run away from our parents. OK to harbor love for them , but i'll stay on the other side of the continent thank you vwry much.
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u/[deleted] Jul 13 '15
It sucks when people butt into your life and are like "but he's your FATHER!"
I'm sorry, but do you know FUCK ALL about my relationship with my father? No? Well then maybe you should shut the fuck up about it.