This is huge. I tried calling people out when they did stupid shit but it was more stressful than it was worth. Most of them probably just kept being assholes anyway.
I'm confused. Which person are you calling an asshole? The one who made a mistake, or the one who's telling them they're wrong? Because I only ever hear the second person get referred to as an asshole. If you confront people for doing stupid/wrong/immoral things that don't harm you personally, you will be accused of being a judgmental asshole who should mind his or her own business instead of trying to tell everyone why they're wrong all the time.
I think they're referring to instances where people really shouldn't be doing a thing - like not wanting to get into a car with a drunk driver (and encouraging them not to driver)... stuff like littering and whatnot.
This is the main problem I have with this entire "confronting people" thing. They're probably bad themselves in many ways too, nobody is perfect except they're arrogant and sanctimonious enough to think so.
I generally don't confront people who are being pricks in public (I don't think I ever have, actually) for more reasons than the one I mentioned: (1) social anxiety, (2) knowing that yelling at someone in the street is just going to make them defensive, (3) the realization that my view of a person is not a complete picture and I don't know what's really going on.
I do have a temper sometimes, but it never causes me to blow up at people in public. I always try to defuse confrontation.
My point was, if you're a shameless litterer, or music blaster, or line jumper, or whatever it might be that disrespects the rights of others, you're probably making a decision that your needs trump those of the people your behavior is affecting, so challenging you on it will do no good.
I've heard roughly 150 to 500 joules of force transferred from your metacarpophalageal joints to their nasal cavity can rectify that behavior very quickly.
Not of they're in a position where they're supposed to be respectable. I still light up and say "Hey look! There's the Professor who rear-ended a guy, and then assumed himelf so important that he could remove the worker and his huge garbage collector from the service elevator! What a jerk!" And what is he going to do?
I don't think either of those are the kind of things they're talking about. They're talking about confronting someone because they did a bad job at fixing their own lawnmower, or because they are eating unhealthy food, or because they're gay. I think. If someone is doing something that affects you negatively then there's no social stigma against confronting them about it. The social stigma is against confronting people about things they're doing that are only hurting themselves.
I recently had a customer like that, guy was pissed I wouldn't give him a replacement and referred him to contact the manufacturer that would honor the warranty.
He started using Fuck as every other word, I asked him to stop because there were kids behind him. He responded by telling me they didn't fucking hear him and to just sell him the replacement. Told him no and to get out, his face was priceless.
No replacement. No refund. No blow job. Walked him to the door as he then started yelling at the mother of the children.
The problem I've encountered is that it's way too easy to come off like an asshole. When you criticize someone's actions or ideas, they tend to take it personally because it is in some way a part of their identity. I understand that feeling because I'm pretty defensive myself - if you've come to the realization that criticism should be taken at face value, think of what it took for you to realize that, and understand that not everyone has had that realization yet. You kind of have to get to it on your own. It's not like you can be really sensitive, and then take the criticism about how sensitive you are very well >.>
The trick is to avoid the big dramatic "confrontation speech" because this generally outs you as the emotional/unreasonable one. Calling them out should be a pretty minimal affair. You stare them directly in the eye with the coolest and most confident eye contact you can muster and you say one, maybe two sentences that smartly sum up how you feel about their shit. Then when they try to argue with you, you shut them down and refuse to engage ("that's nice" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" are excellent go to dismissive phrases).
Every time they will back down grumbling the whole time but you'll notice really quickly that a lot of them can't make eye contact with you. They know they're supposed to be ashamed of their behavior, they've just been conditioned by shitty enabling parents to constantly be defensive when confronted.
It's easier getting a heckling crowd going if possible. Turn other people to your side and discuss how horrible the offending persons behavior is together. It'll make them feel worse for disappointing more people. I find people in checkout lines can be real pieces of shit sometimes, especially to the cashiers, so I usually strike up a conversation with people behind me about how I'm always finding the lines with the most inconsiderate people in them, etc. We all have a good laugh and the offending person is called out that way. Can't work in every situation but it's effective.
As the cashier, I sometimes goad the customer (if he or she isn't physically threatening) get louder and louder until their unreasonable demands are heard by everyone in line and they get laughed at. Most recently, it happened with a man who wanted to return a used potty; he had been told when he purchased it that he could not return it if used for hygienic reasons. Management gave in (as usual) so I brought out a pair of gloves and a garbage bag and whatever else equipment I had. The man hissed at me to stop because his kid "is very clean" and that I was embarassing him.
Yeah, that'd backfire on me but chances are people agree with me as they've also noticed the person in front of me being a tool. I simply get the ball rolling here.
It's easier getting a heckling crowd going if possible. Turn other people to your side and discuss how horrible the offending persons behavior is together. It'll make them feel worse for disappointing more people.
I can never do this. a major reason why is because once back in high school two kids got into an altercation, and then one of them pulled the "but heartbrokenheartbeat thinks so too". I ended up getting punished for instigating a fight when all I had done with agree with one of the kids in the fight that the other one was a douche. It also happened at work one time. so from now on, I will never, ever get involved with their shit unless it directly affects me. you'd be surprised how quickly people will leave your side when they think that they might get in trouble. so if you are having an altercation with someone or a problem with them don't put the pressure on us to agree with you or be a part of the problem.
That said, I understand completely why you would think this is a good idea.
Exactly. I was at a theme park recently for the 4th of July and there was a fireworks show later that night. Well me and my gf found a good spot to watch the show and when it started, this huge mother fucker, and im talking land whale status, decided he was gonna stand in front of everyone to get a better view. I told the guy to be respectful and move so we and the people behind us can watch the show. This fucker looked at me and looked at everyone else and then just turned back around to continue watching the show.
We all ended up moving to a different area just to see the fireworks because of this fat lard ass.
Yeah, I've always been fairly apathetic and laid-back to the point that a lot of people have accused me of being "spineless " or walked upon, but honestly, I've tried caring, I've tried being argumentative and contentious, called people out on things, and it's honestly not worth the exertion. It rarely helps; most people just need to make their own mistakes.
The key is to find the people that are worth the time and effort. Some people are too much in denial for what I can get across in a short time. I feel like I can help almost anyone, but most people don't want to hear it.
If they're being assholes then there's not really a social stigma against this in the first place. What's socially unacceptable is confronting someone because they did a bad job at fixing their own lawnmower, or because they are eating unhealthy food, or because they're gay. Things that don't hurt anyone else, but they you personally think they'd have a better life or be a better person if they fixed.
People can't make that distinction anymore. There's a mass of people that think they can do whatever they want because they have a "that's how I was born" attitude, "So, you can't tell me not to piss on this guy because you're oppressing my freedom." They think it's their right to be an asshole and you're an asshole for saying something. It used to be that you would punch an asshole in the mouth, I even got my ass whipped and I deserved it. You can't really do that anymore because the cops will just arrest everyone, not even doing actual police work.
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u/chuckdiesel86 Jul 13 '15
This is huge. I tried calling people out when they did stupid shit but it was more stressful than it was worth. Most of them probably just kept being assholes anyway.