Don't be sorry. Thank you for having the courage to share with internet strangers.
Thinking about it is a habit. Usually what happens is some stress in life happens. The energy in your brain starts ruminating on that subject during a quiet moment, that's track A. The next track it falls into is anxiety about what this stress might mean in the bigger picture of your life. That's track B. Then because track A and B have a powerful past experience that happened in the past, it falls into track C,, the past suicide attempt. Thinking about these together deepens the track.. like a wagon driving on a muddy road. The groves in the ground just get deeper every time thoughts lead you back to that memory. It also stirs up emotions which triggers hormones to be released that the brain may find rewarding (even if emotionally it feels BAD) people can even get "addicted " to getting scared or angry because the hormones those emotions release are rewarding to the physical brain.
It makes it easier to get back to those dark thoughts and emotions even if the initial trigger has nothing to do with that past memory.
I was angry when my attempt failed - so even in hospital under suicide watch (section 32 of the Mental health Act) i was doing a 'Lessons Learned ' , to see where it went wrong -: so I don't fail again
I've got everything ready, and psychs and shrinks are fully aware, along with wife.
It's weird, for now, just knowing I have this option available has been cathartic - gives a sense of calm (almost)
It's a work in progress/ constant battle with past demons, current challenges we call life, and chronic pain
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u/Otherwise-Fox-151 1d ago
Don't be sorry. Thank you for having the courage to share with internet strangers.
Thinking about it is a habit. Usually what happens is some stress in life happens. The energy in your brain starts ruminating on that subject during a quiet moment, that's track A. The next track it falls into is anxiety about what this stress might mean in the bigger picture of your life. That's track B. Then because track A and B have a powerful past experience that happened in the past, it falls into track C,, the past suicide attempt. Thinking about these together deepens the track.. like a wagon driving on a muddy road. The groves in the ground just get deeper every time thoughts lead you back to that memory. It also stirs up emotions which triggers hormones to be released that the brain may find rewarding (even if emotionally it feels BAD) people can even get "addicted " to getting scared or angry because the hormones those emotions release are rewarding to the physical brain.
It makes it easier to get back to those dark thoughts and emotions even if the initial trigger has nothing to do with that past memory.