This is will eat you alive. I had an EPIC mental breakdown when this was no longer enough. Living for the partner, the kids, the job. When you do this and something leaves or gets taken away (insert deity forbid) you are 100x worse then when you started. I’m trying so hard to find my worth outside of those things now. I only say this because your comment resonated with me, not as advice as I wouldn’t presume to advise anyone, but it helped to recognize only having external protective factors was seriously dangerous business. And if someone would have told me I may have recognized it sooner. If I would have given myself the grace to be ok with not being fixed, i could have starting forgiving myself earlier
I don't totally agree. You can "live for others" in a somewhat safe way. But it just can't last forever. For most people, their suicidal and depressive symptoms will wax and wane over their life, often in response to external stressors.
I have had passive suicidality for decades. I am actually pretty well adjusted. After years of it, you learn to decenter it. In my worst moments, the thoughts get turned up a dial or 2. In those moments, my love for my family prevents me from planning or acting. They remain thoughts and I know how to take it easy during those times. I let myself cry, be lazy, and try to relax until it passes. I also have a therapist and meds.
But I have also found some love for myself and began taking better care of myself. Working out, eating well, and taking care of my social battery is helping me find some good in the day to day. But it's only after many years of struggle that I've gotten to this level of stability. I still have too many hard days for my liking but I have a bit of hope for the future. And with age comes enough lessons learned the hard way to qualify as wisdom.
Good luck to everyone else who struggles with these thoughts. I hope you're able to find a therapist, consider medications, and most importantly, take care of yourself however you can.
How do you do this? I’ve survived an abusive childhood, a horrible first marriage, traumatic poverty and cancer but was able to keep going through the cancer because I’d met the love of my life and best friend, and we lived through some of these challenges for twelve years. Then he stopped taking his medication and became a monster, and now I’m left with nothing.
I feel like I have no purpose in life. I’ve always been weird, ugly and interested in things no one else is interested in. I know I need to live for myself but I just feel like I am so tired of having to fight to exist in this life and now this beautiful private life I had is gone. The rest was window dressing and I lived for this relationship. I don’t ever feel like I could find someone that unique ever again. I still love him, even though he doesn’t give a shit about me. I have no idea how to be alive without him.
I really don’t know. For me it was do it or die. Because for years I had been dying inside and hiding it. I just reached the end of the rope and decided I cannot just keep only having value when it comes to my service to others. It took a hospitalization to figure that out, and some days are better than others, but I had to choose.
Just don’t do it. Life has a way of working itself out… in ways I can’t explain. All I know is I’ve been close more than once and I’m so so so so so so thankful that I didn’t. There are people who love you who will be absolutely destroyed.
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u/Pale_Razzmatazz4460 1d ago
This is will eat you alive. I had an EPIC mental breakdown when this was no longer enough. Living for the partner, the kids, the job. When you do this and something leaves or gets taken away (insert deity forbid) you are 100x worse then when you started. I’m trying so hard to find my worth outside of those things now. I only say this because your comment resonated with me, not as advice as I wouldn’t presume to advise anyone, but it helped to recognize only having external protective factors was seriously dangerous business. And if someone would have told me I may have recognized it sooner. If I would have given myself the grace to be ok with not being fixed, i could have starting forgiving myself earlier