r/AskMenAdvice • u/BobScruffit • 1d ago
My wife holds her phone close at all times.
I’m 64m and my wife is 64f.
We have been married 39 years. All of a sudden she has her phone stuck to her hand from 4-10 pm. If it’s on show she throws a cloth over it if I’m near and then picks them both up.
She’s always on WhatsApp. I can see the green screen in the reflection of her glasses.
Should I be worried?
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u/Skippyasurmuni man 1d ago
She’s got a “special friend”.
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u/TheMightyFlea69 1d ago
that listens to her feelings
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u/Shoddy-Secretary-712 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is that a common cheater lie? I guess it is. I just didn't think about it. Probably because I am such a bad listener.
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u/woahsoskinni woman 1d ago
It’s not a lie. It’s a common cheater complaint/excuse - the affair partner provides something that’s missing from the relationship
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u/Biochemicalcricket 1d ago
It could also be a scammer instead of any real romanic interest. Still very concerning
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u/Savings_Art5944 man 1d ago
It's that guy she told you not to worry about.
Just ask her flat out what she is doing on the phone all the time.
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u/NoturnalTherapy man 1d ago
You know, like I know that she will never tell the truth unless he has indisputable evidence. She will lie and gaslight until the end. Just asking won't work. He has to have proof. He needs to get access to the messages.
If he just grabbed the phone and she goes ballistic, he'll have his answer.
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u/lefdinthelurch woman 1d ago
Look in her phone when when sleeping. Could be a romance scam
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u/tall_dreamy_doc 1d ago
More likely some kind of scam than an actual romantic partner.
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u/dontaskband 1d ago
Check your finances carefully...she may be sending cash to her prince. Don't let that happen.
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u/mutant-heart 1d ago
Maybe start with asking? Why go straight to snooping? After 40 years, he can probably read her. After that long, if they split, “evidence” doesn’t really matter.
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u/Appropriate-Fold-485 man 1d ago
Don't do this. Just tell her you are worried about the behavior and ask if there is any explanation.
Act from an informed position. It's not acceptable to curtail her boundaries just because she is being suspicious.
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u/Many-Mess8635 1d ago
What boundaries
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u/Appropriate-Fold-485 man 1d ago
The presumption of privacy on a mobile device
Plus the hiding of the phone
I'm not saying she's not hiding an affair and agree that's the first inpression, but two wrongs don't make a right
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u/Many-Mess8635 1d ago
That man has more to worry about if that woman is sending someone their money or worse
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u/Ok-Term6418 man 1d ago edited 1d ago
buddy they are 64 and been married for 39 years.
All your highschool shit you keep regurgitating about boundaries and behavior and space mean nothing dude. Its a 39 year marriage.
All the people giving the advice you are puking up right now are 25 year olds that get divorced after 3 years of marriage. Or Influencers that havent ever been in a relationship longer than 10 years.
fun fact: dont listen to a thirty year old on how to have a relationship last 40 years. You see how the math doesnt line up?
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u/Appropriate-Fold-485 man 1d ago
Well if it helps to contextualize, I'm 34 and have been married for 10 years come February.
I don't mean for it to sound naive about the obvious hiding of what is presumably an affair, I just personally feel that it is an implied boundary and boundaries deserve to be respected.
If you're going to go through her phone, may as well speak up about your concerns. The relationship will take a hit either way.
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u/DakezO 1d ago
It’s pretty simple:
“Hey I noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time on your phone, which is new, and cover it when notifications pop up. I saw in your glasses it’s WhatsApp. I’d like to know what it is you’re spending all your time in there doing and share it with me now.”
Either way there’s going to be trouble, but at least it’s out in the open.
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u/BobScruffit 1d ago
I will have this conversation soon. I’m waiting for Christmas to be over. I can’t spoil it for all the family.
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u/Duckboythe5th man 1d ago
Ask her, don't waste time, just ask her.
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u/69WaysToFuck man 1d ago
She is already lying. Asking leads to more lies and confusion. If she calmly say it’s nothing and find an excuse, will OP feel better? If she lies, will it be any good for op? Also makes the person to behave more cautious, covering up any evidence. When dealing with potential infidelity you want to pretend you know nothing until you have a solid proof for either option.
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u/Duckboythe5th man 1d ago
He knows something is not right, ask first, actions later.
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u/ChannelSorry5061 man 1d ago
lol she throws a cloth over it? How is she not aware she's being insanely obvious... maybe she is. Be a man and ask her what she's doing on whatsapp all the time. Stay calm. If she won't answer or she gets aggressive and gas-lighty, just walk out of the room. Maybe take off somewhere go meet a friend or read a book. Then decide what you want from the rest of your life, sounds like it might be over.
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u/Significant-Bar674 man 1d ago
That's exactly what happened when my wife started cheating on me.
Whatsapp is kind of a preferred method for cheaters since there is a "disappearing messages" mode that deletes texts after 24 hours. It's also a more easily used medium for sending explicit videos and if she's being romance scammed then the scammer can't be tracked.
Keep in mind that snooping is not ideal. It's a necessary evil when there are legitimate red flags. Talking about it is an option but it can also cause them to start hiding evidence. If they're innocent she could also be very insulted by the suggestion. Your judgement on what you want to do.
A few things you could do:
login to your cell service providers website and you should be able to get access to a call log. This shows phone numbers and times associated with calls and texts. It's not going to show anything from whatsapp, but if this use regular texting and calls at all, then the phone number and times will show. Look for repeat numbers and use a reverse phone search like True People Search or intellius to find out if it's a man with no business talking to your wife
hide a voice triggered recording tool in locations in the house where they might talk while you're out of the house
if you share a bank account, review records for suspicious transactions in strange parts of town. Hotels, repeat restaurants in a different area
if she is getting out of the house in ways that are suspicious (3 hour long hair appointments kind of thing) then you could consider dropping an air tag in your car
you could hire a PI. About $400 but worth it if they find something
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u/Throwawhaey 1d ago
Thanks for bringing up the romance scam angle. At 64 that's much more likely.
It's still cheating, but it also means OP's retirement account might disappear even before they divorce.
Lock those assets down, OP.
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u/Significant-Bar674 man 1d ago
Yeah I'm fairly confident that that's actually what happened to my ex.
She's originally from a third world country and got messaged by a high school crush on Facebook. Out of nowhere this guy is head over heels about her. He just happens to need citizenship and wants to help her build some businesses in their country using money she sent him. By the time I found out it was in the thousands.
We get divorced, I buy her out the house somewhere under 100k and a year and a half later she can't pay the irs or afford diapers. More than a little frustrating.
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u/GlidingToLife man 1d ago
When people change their behavior and start guarding their phone, there is something to guard. People without anything to hide would just turn the screen around and show you.
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u/Sad-Pop8742 man 1d ago
Has everybody else said yep.
Whether it's emotional cheating or more.
It's still cheating.
You need to decide how far you want to push it.
Because if you start pressing it, the next time you come back from somewhere the locks could be changed and she could have papers.
If you think there's a future then proceed as normal. Otherwise make sure you prep first.
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u/Valgal287 1d ago
I'm so sorry to say this, but yes. I would just be direct about it and ask, but that's me. Whatever happens, I hope she will be kind. Good luck.
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u/Fearless-Stonk 1d ago
12 days ago, you confirmed your wife is having an affair with another woman. So is she or not?
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u/stuckbeingsingle man 1d ago
Ask her if you can meet her boyfriend. Watch her body language and facial expressions. Good luck.
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u/Zestyclose_Air_1873 man 1d ago
I'd ask her if she thought I was stupid
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u/Putrid_Junket9549 1d ago
Why would she think you’re stupid? 🤔
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u/Mysterious-Relation1 1d ago
“Do you think zestyclose_air_1873 is stupid? Do you?!?!?!?”
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u/Putrid_Junket9549 1d ago
🤣 idk tbh, just thought it was an odd question for him to ask OP’s cheater
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u/Additional_Jaguar170 1d ago
After 40 years of marriage you need to come and ask a bunch of virgins on reddit?
Ask your wife ffs.
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u/DeeAmazingRod man 1d ago
Yes, start draining the joint bank accounts.
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u/cytranic 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yup and buy a crypto currency, like teather with it. then claim you got hacked, and you have no access to the money.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling man 1d ago
Not even 60 year olds are safe from this bullshit 😭
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u/youngoldman86 1d ago
Seriously this was my first thought too. I mean at a certain age shouldn’t you just ride it out ?
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u/Better_Peaches666 1d ago
You might make sure she's not deep into a romance scam..... Because you might lose your life savings to some schmuck in a garage somewhere.
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u/ExcellentCan2525 1d ago
This happened to a friend of mine - her mum was sending this guy money who promised it would be invested and return to her x 10. He swindled over £5k off her.
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u/Perfect-Fox-5300 man 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m guessing you’re in a family plan ? Check her calls on the bills don’t ask her just do it discreetly. Write down all the numbers she is call ing or recieving from a lot though then go and get an back ground checker and type numbers in you’d be surprise what you’ll find or if your lucky you won’t be surprised at all. Mine of 27 yrs did the same thing but with her stepson and then gaslit the fuk out of me and heres the thing everyone was in on it her therapist the neighbors the list goes on and on. I’m a TI becuase she knew that when I found out and she knew I would because I wouldn’t let that happen and she’s keeping it from Isaiah too and she also has a senior citizen she’s been fucking probably because he’s rich and she wants that more than anything. They should get married I’d be happy to do the ceremony for some drinks and cake them in matrimony.
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u/Kl3en 1d ago
People have affairs at 64? Anyway yeah definitely sounds sketchy
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u/LickingLieutenant 1d ago
I have an uncle who did ...
He was 66 and found a 48yo woman to bone a few times.
My aunt found out because she (the woman) started sending emails and gifts to him.They're still together ( he's 73 now, and my guess - he still sees someone on the side )
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u/clearheaded01 man 1d ago
Considering your post 12 days ago:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/6GJiL2KBbq
Where you described that your wife is having an affair with another woman, your post makes me concerned for your sanity.. or suspect a fake post..
However IF this is genuine, then yes - be concerned.
And seek lawyer, it seems your wife is unstoppable while you sit passively and watch her defile your marriage..
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u/az-anime-fan man 1d ago
yep
sorry my man. if you don't think you can see her phone hire a PI. and then when he tells you she's cheating, find a good divorce attorneys, don't confront or warn her. follow his advice, else you'll be taken to the cleaner (it still might happen, but these tend to go better if you get out in front of it without warning your partner)
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u/Bot4TLDR 1d ago
Probably a Nigerian prince who will be coming to whisk her away at any moment… but only after she transfers him $70,000 to pay off the debt he incurred from his cancer treatment.
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u/BitsNSkits 1d ago
The having her phone near everywhere she goes isn't super weird but a little for sure. Like if she's never leaving it unattended I can see that being odd. And it definitely is if she's hiding it with a cloth and also what's app sounds suspicious. I would definitely be curious. Maybe tell her that all of these things are making you worry some. All of these things would make me personally a little worried and ask.
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u/Kempatsu man 1d ago
She's 64, no one is looking to wife up a 64 year old woman. She's probably in the process of getting courted/scammed by some Nigerian prince,
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u/mercinariesgtr man 1d ago
Yes you should be, sure should learn to turn off notifications so she can leave her phone out without being suspicious. Typical boomer trying to be sneaky but not knowing the technology
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u/DotComCTO 1d ago
As soon as she goes to hide the phone, demand to see it. Either she'll say ok (which won't happen), then see what's going on. If she starts yelling, calling you controlling, saying you should trust her, etc, etc, then you know what's going on. Another scenario is that she yells, as above, but then next day decides to let you see it. Of course, all the messages and all traces of any messages will be gone - followed by, "See? I told you nothing is going on! You don't trust me!!" etc etc. Again, you'll know what's going on.
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u/vermontbutchr802 1d ago
Older men and women tend to fall victim to romance scams. They miss the attention they used to get when they were younger. And some men and women can’t seem to stand not getting constant validation and attention. I knew a lady that fell for this exact thing on WhatsApp. It was some gorgeous 35-40 something looking profile. He immediately love bombed her and told her all sorts of cockamamie tales about being stranded and needing money to come see her. They got more and more ridiculous as time went on but she (imo) needed and craved the attention. Television has programmed so many women to believe that despite their physical, emotional, and moral shortcomings that a handsome giga, buff Prince Charming is waiting out there to sweep them off their feet. She got busted when she ran out of her own money and started to ask her friends for money. Even then She couldn’t believe that this handsome ass dude didn’t want her obese geriatric self. They just lack logic and self love
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u/itport_ro 1d ago
Nah, she is preparing a new number for a magic show... She makes her phone dissappear, next she will need a male assistant from the audience, to practice how to make a d. ick vanish...
"See it? Ta-da!"
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u/Newmanlife9876 1d ago
Yes. My wife leads me for another after 30 years of marriage. Same issues with phone. I ignored them instead of confrontation.
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u/wowbragger man 1d ago
You have been married 39 years, so long that even 'middle aged' guys like myself were in diapers when you wed.
That level of trust and life together... No, you should not be worried.
Just talk with your wife that you've noticed what she's doing with her phone. It bothers you, and you'd like to know what it is she is hiding. Can she show you her phone/messages (right then and there)?
You're not there to make an accusation. But that kind of behavior means she's intentionally hiding something. You shouldn't keep secrets from each other, so you're looking for clarity and honesty
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u/Born_Flamingo4622 woman 1d ago
judging from ur other post, u already read her messages and know she's cheating on u with a woman
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u/Born_Flamingo4622 woman 1d ago
This is what OPs last post said (copied from automod on a different post)
Hi. 64M here. I have been married to a lovely woman for 39 1/2 years. She is the same age as me. Just lately she has been keeping her phone closely to her side uses it on WhatsApp most of the time. I can see this from a distance without seeing who the messages are too. She always closes it or clicks off WhatsApp when leaving it unattended, which isn’t often. I’m more tech savvy than she is so have means of accessing bits of stuff she hasn’t quite got rid of. I did get a quick glimpse of her WhatsApp but she deletes all the content after reading. Now for some reason that I can’t fathom she screenshot several posts to a ‘friend’ from work and without being graphic it was so clear she has feelings for this other woman. I found these screenshots and photoed them myself. AITA for snooping on her phone? I’ve no one I can talk to on this matter. We have grown up children and grandchildren. I haven’t said anything yet as Christmas is coming and I don’t want to spoil anything for them. I am absolutely knotted up inside whilst trying to stay calm on the outside and it’s killing me. I don’t know what I want to hear from the replies but I have no one to talk to and I’m scared for my future because I’ll probably be made out to be the bad guy when nothing could be further from the truth. Other people say we’re a lovely couple. We haven’t had sex or intimacy for nearly 10 years as she had an hysterectomy and lost all sexual feelings. I’ve not touched any other woman either. The thing is we work so well together.
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u/mrgees100peas man 1d ago
Yeah, not only is that a bige red flag it also comes with an air raid siren. The only reason someone hides their cell pbone in that manner its because they are hiding somethibg especially when its a change in behavior. That is to say they were careless about their phone and out of knkwhere they are glued to it yeah, thats a very bad sign. Diring a rough patch in my marriage my wife was doing the same thing. She was always .isplacing her cel and often I had to help find it then put if nkwhere that phone never left her side. She eventually did confess she was talking to some dude.
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u/djluminol man 1d ago
Sounds to me like you already know the answer to this and just want confirmation you aren't overthinking this. You aren't. You pay for the phone service right? Get the call logs. She's probably called him at least once. You can also request your google location history. That might be the more definitive way to go. Then you can track her movements for the past however many days or months and get solid confirmation.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
BobScruffit originally posted:
I’m 64m and my wife is 64f.
We have been married 39 years. All of a sudden she has her phone stuck to her hand from 4-10 pm. If it’s on show she throws a cloth over it if I’m near and then picks them both up.
She’s always on WhatsApp. I can see the green screen in the reflection of her glasses.
Should I be worried?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/External_Poet_6519 1d ago
Get the phone records and see what numbers are calling/texting…. i had the same issue and yes he was cheating
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u/KeyboardMaestro man 1d ago
I had to go through this as well, she dismissed it as them reconciling a friendship and me being jealous because i asked questions when she got defensive. You should talk to her about it and see how she responds.
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u/Brief-Reserve774 1d ago
Yes. First sign of my ex cheating was hiding phone, and I don’t even look at others phones, I would just look his direction and he’d obviously turn away real quick like he was guilty lol. Borrowed phone once to call my mom, when I hung up it landed on recent call page and I saw about 30 calls in the log with different women’s names in them for hour long conversations, yet he had such a hard time even texting me back lol.
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u/SignificantFact3661 1d ago
Might be a good time to put a lock on financial accounts and get us much into your name as possible. Could be a romance scam.
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u/ukyman95 man 1d ago
depending on how long she has been hiding it, If your birthday or Anniversary is coming up make sure she is not trying to surprise you.
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u/ProfessionalHater4 man 1d ago
Yes, but only because it's sudden.
Personally I'm huge on privacy and I'm not having a partner or anyone else go near my phone.
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u/acangiano man 1d ago
Yes, but keep in mind she is more likely to be scammed than actually cheating on you. Don't get me wrong, she thinks she is cheating and maybe she is. But people in her age bracket are always heavily targeted by romantic scammers.
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u/Screwdriving_Hammer man 1d ago
Plenty has already been said about infidelity, so I'll leave that alone, but instead present another variable.
Maybe she got addicted to online gambling or a gacha game. I got addicted to a mobile game and spent like $3000 and would hide my phone or furtively hide it when my girlfriend entered the room.
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u/Beneficial-Champion2 1d ago
You need to find the recipient and call him up and say ‘Janet has told me everything’ and then just listen.
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u/NoturnalTherapy man 1d ago
1st, always trust your gut. You know your wife better than anyone else. The small changes are always the precursors to something bigger.
Cheating doesn't start when it becomes physical. It starts when secrets are kept and the lies are told.
Do yourself and her a favor and get involved now before it escalates. I would literally take the phone out of her hand as she's reading her WhatsApp message. If she panics, you don't even have to read the message to know what's happening. You will have your answer.
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u/mako1964 1d ago
Probably just a military officer stationed overseas That has fallen for your wife and everyday will be Christmas when he gets home and they can be rich and happy in the new business opportunity she has been offered .
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u/tallardschranit 1d ago
Some bored young guy is filling up her DMs with sexts and dong pics at best. At worst she's getting scammed out of your savings.
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u/Offtherailspcast 1d ago
Oh yeah. She isn't tech savvy enough to know that hiding your phone is suspicious. She's cheating.
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u/UpperCardiologist523 man 1d ago
Since many here has mentioned it could be a romance scam, watch out if you got a shared bank account. But also, just ask her.
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u/broadsharp man 1d ago
Be worried.
You may as well confront her now. Just tell her her actions have consequences and you’ll be speaking with an attorney in the next few days.
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u/sonia72quebec 1d ago
Unless you have a birthday coming up and she's planning a surprise, yes you should worry.
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u/backchatting 1d ago
You have been together long enough to expect an honest answer. Explain that you have noticed a major change in her behaviour especially with her phone and ask to see it. If she refuses then you have your answer. Before doing so I would observe quietly to see if there are any changes, make up, hair, clothes, time out of the house, times in the house if you are out, anything out of the ordinary or out of routine.
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u/CalSo1980 1d ago
Don't you find it strange 39 years of marriage and having to hide her phone ? It's a different pattern from the norm trust your intuition.
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u/Smooth-Worth-4571 1d ago
lol I’m 31m with 32f we both would never have a problem telling each other when shady activities are occurring. If you have a real relationship you should be able to snatch that phone real quick and look for yourself lmao 😂 maybe my girl and I just built different but we wouldn’t play with one another and we would understand if the other isn’t playing anymore real quick.
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u/sdsmark woman 1d ago
I recently started being on my phone all the time. My husband and I are about the same age as you two.My husband doesn’t fell he needs to talk with me anymore and I have to resort to the internet to get any conversations at all.Are you making an effort to talk with her or just sitting and watching tv?Women are verbal creatures and in our 60’s we lose a lot of our friends and are lonely.
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u/America-always-great man 1d ago
Yo if you have anything in your name start transferring assets to a close relative friend parent if still around that you deeply trust and don’t doubt. When you divorce you are leagues ahead and claim ignorance of her cheating.
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u/nycguy1989 man 1d ago
At that age I'd be very concerned about romance scams, like many people are already saying here. While I do not support the idea of checking a partner's phone this is a tough one as it can financially complicate things for you as well.
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u/Limp-Archer-7872 man 1d ago
How close is your 65th birthday or 40th anniversary?
Don't attribute to cheating what might be planning.
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u/BobScruffit 1d ago
There’s no planning. All the planning is done. We both don’t like surprise parties either.
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u/Spiritual-Island4521 1d ago
Thank you. Honestly I witnessed a person identify bots in real time in the past. I think that perhaps people intentionally try to forget about the bots sometimes because of unpleasant realities.
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u/kairu99877 man 1d ago
Come on man. She's like 60 - 70. Why can't she just settle down, drink some wine and enjoy chilling with her husband. What's wrong with people these days?
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u/Warm_Negotiation5251 1d ago
Just fucking ask her and stop imagining things.
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u/3x1st3nc3s 1d ago
I initially read your comment as ‘Just fucking ask her TO stop imagining things’ - which was hilarious 😂 but your actual comment is also good advice
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u/Carpsonian22 1d ago
This is easy…. Ask to see her phone and go through it. If the roles were reversed I’d say the same to a woman. Your partner, no matter the age or gender, should have no issue letting you go through their phone if you’re feeling insecure or have a suspicion of something. If they have a problem with it then there is something on there they are ashamed of or feel guilty about.
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u/CheeseSomersault 1d ago
Op is lying. 12 days ago he already knew his wife was cheating on him with another woman because he went through her WhatsApp, now he's looking for advice on whether he should do that? ok
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u/MeetingRecent229 man 1d ago
Either you should be worried, or she's trying to make you think you should be.
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u/Dull_Diet9432 1d ago
Yep that’s when my ex wife was cheating when she would always face her phone down if she did have to set it down and she would never let it leave her side.
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u/Historical-Pie-5052 1d ago
Yep, she's got a boyfriend. Either you live in ignorant bliss until she decides to leave you or you take the phone out of her hand when she's on it to see who she's talking to.
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u/_h_simpson_ man 1d ago
Yup! if you want answers, it’s time to go through her phone to see what’s going on..
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u/mannomanniwish man 1d ago
Ask her.
I also always hide my phone from my wife. Mostly because i am embarrassed about dealing with work stuff during the evening, how much time i waste on social media and that i watch porn.
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u/stonkkingsouleater man 1d ago
Yes